It quite possibly is too late...
10.14.09 (3:17 am) [edit]
Been taking a lot of intensive courses that run six hours a day, five days a week - on top of which there's homework and projects. And life. And I have a cold. So I haven't felt like blogging and when I did, not fully, coz I was just out of it, so I just ended up updating my Facebook status instead. Goldfinger just finished his exams; I wonder if I can coax him into coming down from Chiang Rai. I miss him, to be quite honest. He's one of those friends who doesn't hold your moods against you. He listens to constructive criticism - doesn't always take it, of course, but willing to listen, and willing to say he's sorry. I like that about him. He makes me feel like we're on equal ground. I don't have a lot of that in my life. The more I think about it, the more I realize I'm in a lot of uneven relationships. The major ones are my own fault. I let the other person take control, take over to a point where it seems insane to them that I should be my own person, with my own thoughts, and my own feelings. It gets to the point where they make me feel like I don't matter anymore. And in a way, I guess I don't matter. To them. Which hurts, when you feel like you're friends but you're not - you're just kinda THERE. It's like they start thinking they're the light and I'm just the shadow; somehow, I don't exist when they're not around. How messed up is that? I'm my own person. I have a right to my own life. I realized that and things just started opening up for me. The other person, of course, doesn't get it - how can they, right? They always think we'll fall back into the same patterns. That they can be let off the hook without any apology, without any show of regret. The worst part is that they even think that I want to go back to that emotional hell. Absolutely not. I'd rather be punched in the nose. If I've learned anything at all these past year or so is that I'm much happier sticking to my guns. I just want to tell the people who've walked all over me (Mr. Heartbreaker comes to mind, but he's not the only one): Screw you and the horse you rode in on. This is my life and if you want to be a part of it, get with the program. Wipe that smirk off your face. I demand an apology and even if you give it, I reserve the right to refuse it. You hurt me too much for me to just brush it off like it was nothing. Think what you want but I once valued your friendship and I tried to show it. If you ever valued mine, show it.
Final thought: Chances for reconciliation are rarer than a blue moon, but I doubt the people I'm thinking of are even smart enough to realize that.
Final thought: Chances for reconciliation are rarer than a blue moon, but I doubt the people I'm thinking of are even smart enough to realize that.