Outlier
12.28.08 (3:12 am) [edit]
Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm not stuck at the age of sixteen. I sometimes feel - more frequently as of late - that I have the emotional trials and tribulations of someone much younger than myself. Not to sound angsty or whiny, but I do believe that the bulk of my problems stems from the fact that I don't really have anyone who understands me. It's not that I'm unique, because everyone's unique in his or her own way, but I'm just different from everyone else in my life. I can't relate to my colleagues at work, and they can't relate to me, due to a confluence of coincidences concerning my education and upbringing. By similar tokens, my parents don't get me either. My brother is a boy, and yes, gender still translates to differences. I love my friends, but to be brutally honest, aside from a shared academic background and some particular interests, I'm not really like them as well (and vice versa). Sometimes I feel like the one circle that doesn't overlap with any others in the Venn diagram. I don't really understand others and they don't really understand me. How much it has bothered me has ebbed and flowed through the years - age does have some benefits, like the realization that things that constitute drama as an adolescent mean absolutely nothing once you hit your twenties. Yet, at the moment, I'm feeling once again like a dismal teen. This feeling came about at dinner, when I told my parents I couldn't possibly go out for a New Year meal with my grandmother, I'm too busy working on my proposal. It's been a very trying ordeal for me, one which I am plucking away at right this moment. I literally slapped myself today in frustration. My mother looked upset and said, "I haven't seen you doing anything." I don't know what she means by that. Does reading piles and piles of research count towards "anything"? Does scrolling through countless pages of dissertations and theses count as "anything"? Apparently, to her, they don't. No one seems to understand what "busy" means to me. It means deadlines. It means grading papers and planning lessons, both of which mean I have look things up online so it seems like I'm goofing off. It means taking off some time to blog or play a short word game so I don't go on a killing spree. Everyone thinks my job is a breeze, and yes, in a lot of ways, it's definitely easier than being a surgeon or a businessperson or whatever. But every job is difficult. I don't look down on other people's professions. Why does everyone look down on mine?
Final thought: Have to get this darn proposal out! No more self-pity.
Final thought: Have to get this darn proposal out! No more self-pity.
posted by: alaskawildflowers (reply)
post date: 12.27.08 (10:33 am)
It is hard to balance the juxtaposition of work and family and friends. Your mother may be thinking that your grandmother isn't going to be around forever, while you are concentrating on the proposal. I do a lot of planning on the computer-- (does my mom think those descriptions and menus we put up just write themselves?) and nothing is more annoying than someone coming up and wanting to "talk" because it doesn't look like I'm busy. When you OWN your career and your place in the world, others too will respect it, I find. Chin up! One page after the other.....
posted by: barnabus1 (reply)
post date: 12.27.08 (12:13 pm)
I think there is a point in time when we all feel that way!! Each person is unique and different!! Would be awful if we were all the same! No learning curve there! I seriously if any of us are totally understood, nor will we ever be...because of our differences!! but still we can relate well and get along in spite of our minor differences!!! I've yet to meet someone who really feels their age!!, I have a friend who is 79 yet feels like he's still in his 50's..mentally he is and that is good!!!
posted by: namm (reply)
post date: 12.27.08 (2:44 pm)
completely agree with alaskawildflowers and barnabus1... i think thr r ups and downs in everybody's life ... they say tomorrow is another day .. thr r phases in each and everyone's lives....some r good and some r not too gr8 .. thy both balance each other out at the end of day ... u need love and u need someone when u come back from work(apart from ur parents and bro) ... every profession has its likes and dislikes ... but every profession is a specialized field tht only a specialized person can do .. thts y its called profession ... so dnt worry about ur mom ... she is as frustrated as u r coz u arent giving much time to them and thy r ur near n dear ones hence the angry outburst(or however ur mom said) ... my suggestion.... keep a balance between work and ur personal life.... both shud be balanced otherwise ull have an overdose of either of the two if u dnt take care!
posted by: cyrix (reply)
post date: 12.27.08 (3:04 pm)
if you think nobody understands you, you'll never know some people may feel the same way towards you. i think you just need to lighten up a bit.. chill!! :)
posted by: SupremeAnna (reply)
post date: 12.28.08 (6:16 am)
Reply to: alaskawildflowers
It's so hard when it's your parents though! They always think I'm goofing off. ugh.
posted by: SupremeAnna (reply)
post date: 12.28.08 (6:18 am)
Reply to: barnabus1
"No learning curve there!"
That is a very good way of thinking about it. And it'd be kinda Stepford too, I think, but man, it gets hard sometimes!
posted by: SupremeAnna (reply)
post date: 12.28.08 (6:19 am)
Reply to: namm
"but every profession is a specialized field tht only a specialized person can do"
That makes me very happy to hear, because I'm constantly saying that to others, but I've started to wonder if it was just me!
posted by: SupremeAnna (reply)
post date: 12.28.08 (6:24 am)
Reply to: cyrix
I'm one of those intense people who finds it hard to chill.
posted by: namm (reply)
post date: 12.29.08 (3:08 pm)
Reply to: SupremeAnna
im with u in tht hun ... always believed tht