Rambling and incoherent

This is another long, rambling post because...well, sometimes, a girl just needs to rant. There are moments in your life where you realize your own weakness and it sickens you. Makes me think of The Kite Runner - how one act of cowardice haunted the protagonist all his life. I believe there are many such moments in everyone's life. Moments where you think, "Whoa, I'm really not as over that as I thought." I'd gotten to a point in my life where I was under the impression that emotionally, I was stable. Not rock-steady, but capable of withstanding external forces up to a point. This last year has been the crucible that formed my new resolve to not feel so strongly, to care so much. I may have the manner of a harpy, but I do think one of my strongest traits is my loyalty and the fact that people can rely on me 98% of the time to do, well, anything legal really as I find it hard to say no to my friends. Of course, this backfired and I was deeply wounded by the fall-out. It hurts to think others don't care about you as much as you care about them - or even at all. Then I realized - why should I let it affect me? My best friend and I have a new battle cry - don't tie your happiness to someone else's. I've used this concept to eliminate the emotional deadwood in my life. So, you're gonna tick me off, huh? Hit the road. I don't have the time or emotional space to fool around anymore. People have stepped all over me for so long, mostly because I let them. That thought depressed me. Was I the instrument of my own misery? Apparently, yes. I'm just weak. I give people too many chances. Perhaps I hope, somehow, it will all be reciprocated. Though, really, that's just silly. The only person I have control over is myself and even that's not shaping up too well. I'll just keep on...keeping on, I suppose. This time around, I run at the slightest hint of pain. The signs I once ignored, rationalized away or plain didn't recognize I now see with alarming clarity. I'll know when to jump ship this time, or even when not to board at all.

Final thought: Stay the course.