Ennui

I've been experiencing an intense case of listlessness lately. It struck out of the blue. It's funny, coz I'm pretty busy. Still holding down two jobs, on a committee to prepare a class for next term, and got this gig coming up I can only describe as a glorified baby-sitting assignment, but still - my life is full. Yet, I sometimes catch myself thinking, "God, what the heck is it all about?" I guess it's perfectly natural for that to happen every once in awhile, huh? I feel this weird sense of...I guess ennui would be the only way to describe it. I look at things and I just think, "I don't care." Seriously, the only thing that gives me any sort of thrill is Supernatural. The only time I feel anything nowadays is when I'm watching Supernatural. Perhaps I'm sublimating. The only thing that snaps me out of my ennui is the show. My head is full of Supernatural. I shot through all of the second season episodes (minus the two finale eps, which have yet to air). I did not think I could love the show more, but I was wrong, and thank goodness for that. The second season kicks full-on @$$! I was actually sitting there, hand clasped over my mouth, trying not to cry. I do not cry when I watch TV. Hell, I don't cry at anything that's not real, but can you believe, when Dean Winchester starts wailing on his car because that was his way of expressing all the pent-up rage he has at his father's death, I practically bawled. No joke. And it would've been fine if they'd left it at that, but they just kept hurling emotional boulders my way. Episode after episode, it's all this sadness and desolation, and hope and comic relief - what the hell, it was a freakin' emotional rollercoaster, and I loved every second of it. And oh my God, they played Styx's Renegade. Best use of music in a TV show. Ever. I was swooning after every ep. You know, I firmly believe that the first season of a show can never be its best. After all, everything's still brand-new. Actors are just getting to know their characters, writers are trying out plotlines and gimmicks, production is trying to establish a look. It's like moving into a new neighborhood.  You're not really settled in yet. But second season - that's when a show that can shine will burn your retinas. Take the X-Files. First season, fun, standalone stuff, Mulder and Scully asserting themselves, showing you who they are. But second season? Scully's abduction! Drama, suspense, angst - keep the audience on emotional eggshells. And I see the same thing happening here with Supernatural. And it's brilliant. I love Dean Winchester so much now, I can declare myself a total fangirl. He keeps showing up in my dreams - you know, the blue variety. He's the only person I feel like getting intimate with lately, sad at that sounds and seems. My email and cell are flooded with dinner and hang-out requests, but I just don't feel like it. I don't think I'm shutting people out, I'm just not up for doing anything as of yet. There's my busy schedule, of course, but also, I don't know, with all my core friends out of the country, and Goldfinger busy scrambling to finish his thesis, I'm not really in the mood to socialize. Sometimes, I think my life would be easier if I was cruisin' along in a '67 Chevy Impala fighting off ghosts and demons with rock-salted loaded shotguns. Maybe.

Final thought: I get what he means.

"I’m tired, Sam. I’m tired of this job, this life, this weight on my shoulders, man. I’m tired of it." Dean, Supernatural