The Attempt

In ancient times, one of the cures proposed for mental illness was removal of the patient from his or her family. Makes perfect sense to me. Don't get me wrong - I love, love, love my family. They are my everything. But sometimes...ugh. It's as though they purposely set out to sabotage you. You resolve to do something to better yoruself, and they either thwart your plans or ridicule you to the point that you abandon your goal. It's as though they're so used to the old, flawed you, they unconsciously keep you from changing. It's frustrating, to say the least. I don't think they know what they're doing, so I guess I just have to deal with it, if anything is going to be better. Not that my life is awful, or anything, but things need improvement. I don't know, but it's two days into the new year and I am determined there are going to be changes in my life - if not major, then by God, minor. Emotions-wise, definitely. I am sick of being an emotional punching bag. I am sick of being a doormat, of playing second fiddle, of being everything but first. I am sick of feeling that I have to either scream or cry all the time. I have to break out of my role of the loyal pet, the animal that no matter how much you physically and verbally abuse it, it just whimpers and stays by your side. I have to believe that I am worth more than that, or I am doomed to an existence of anger and sadness. I know this is a pretty negative view to take of myself, but I'm living my life more realistically, and this is the truth. I feel like I've been drowning, and no one has bothered to try to save me. And why should they, if I am perfectly capable of rescuing myself? I just haven't attempted it. This is the year then. This is the year, and this is me - attempting to save myself. Who knows if it'll work out, but trying is worth something.

Final thought: Sometimes all you can do is try.