Reflections on a bowl of mashed potatoes

Last night, because my brother was going to go away on a business trip today, I decided to make him mashed potatoes. He loves them, but I find them tedious to prepare, mostly coz I'm not very good at peeling potatoes. It took me a whole hour to prep and another hour and a bit to actually make, during which I burned two fingers and strained my arm. Labor of love, you know? Anyhow, I made a whole large bowl and we ended up eating about a third of it at dinner. That was fine, I thought my mom would probably heat it up again for breakfast (yes, my family is big on leftovers). Guess what? The entire bowl spoiled overnight. The whole darn thing, a little more than a kilogram of potatoes and two and a half hours of my life, two fingers and a painful arm - and the thing was absolutely unedible this morning. It's such a fitting metaphor for my life. Put in all this time and effort and attention, only to be left with a steaming pile of nothing. I was furious to say the least, but live realistically is my motto now and the reality is, rage is an impotent emotion. You can be as angry as you want, it's not going to change anything unless you translate that into action. I get angry all the time, for what? There must be something about me, that people think they can walk all over me and lie to me and treat me bad, and still somehow believe I'll be waiting for them like an obedient dog. It could be because I hold onto things and people so strongly I end up hurting myself. I'm loyal. If nothing else, I am loyal. If someone gains my loyalty, that's it, I'm theirs. It's pretty pathetic, but I believe in sticking with someone to the end of the world. That's how I define love, that's how I define friendship. Could be why the heinous believe they can kick me around and I won't leave. That was true - then. But this is now. The more I look, the more I realize most things in life are under your control. The control may not be complete, but at the very least my reaction to situations is something I have a fix on. I can choose to let my emotions get the better of me - as they have for the better part of my life - or I can decide that enough is enough and take things in hand. Why should I pledge my loyalty to parties that don't deserve it? If the only thing that keeps me with you is me, what's to stop me from leaving? The answer is nothing, but for so long, I refused to see that. I keep caring, I keep giving (and yes, I take, but I'd like to think in equal amounts), I keep hoping and dedicating, to what avail? I think it's my lot in life to take care of others, but to never be taken care of. Maybe it's my lot in life to never have anyone give me the same level of care as I bestow on others. Some of us are tasked with keeping everything in line. Fact of life. Rule breakers versus rule makers. Rule makers get a bad rep, but it's people like me who keep the world spinning on course. Without rulemakers like me, we wouldn't have concepts like personal hygiene or vaccinations or dry cleaning. And being this kind of person means I'm not so fun, means I'm not such a great person to hang around. That was a sin, somehow, and I've been trying to atone for it for so long. My "live realistically" initiative was the first step in turning the tide. Now I just have to follow through on the tough decisions. I have stop thinking about the time and energy and love and devotion and every other single little thing I've put in and just pull away. Chuck the spoiled mashed potatoes in the trash. Get started on a fresh batch. Or something else entirely.

Final thought: Call me selfish, because I am, but the only person's emotions I can readily deal with at the moment are my own. Is there something fundamentally wrong with that?