His legacy
A few days ago I walked into a cabinet that had a key jutting out of it. The key swiped across my thigh, leaving a three-inch long scar that prompty swelled like a bee sting and turned a ghastly shade of purple the next day. It hurt like nobody's business the first few hours, and then the pain leveled off until I almost forgot about it - until I accidently brushed against the wound or happened to see it. I can't help but feel like this is a fitting metaphor for my feelings for Mr. Heartbreaker. The first few months after it ended, I couldn't...I just couldn't. Period. Oh, I went on with my life, like it was normal, but it was a blow. It was a major blow, and I'm feeling its affects, so long after. There are odd little personality quirks of mine that are a legacy from him. Chief is the need to know that I'm not being played for a fool. He played me like a finely tuned instrument, he played me like the whole freakin' string, wind and percussion sections! I didn't even know there was anyone else in his life until it just up and happened. All the signs must've been there, but I was too blind or too dumb (or most likely, both) to realize it. It didn't hurt me that there was someone else; it hurt me that he didn't tell me about it. I never had a clue, and I hate being clueless, I hate being left out of the loop. Overly-sensitive - that's another thing he afflicted me with. Crying at the drop of a hat over anything, because for so long with him, I fought back my own tears, less he feel obligated to deal with them. Now it's like I can't hold them back. It makes me feel weak and stupid and I vow over and over to never do it again, but all in vain. It's like living my life more realistically has made everything a tad harsher and I'm finding it hard to deal. But I will prevail. I think on the whole, things are better. I have the courage to say to myself, "You don't need this. You don't have to stand this" and being able to say that makes me feel calmer. Complaints have come in that I'm too attached to things and people. Yes, looking at it realistically, I suppose I am. I'd say that's the least of my flaws, I hope. Maybe that's part of his legacy to me too, trying so hard to get validation when it's really just a silly reflex.
Final thought: Some legacies should be tossed.