Beat myself up

A lot of people have said a lot of things that have really made me sit down and reflect on my own behavior this week. I look in the mirror and I don't like the girl staring back at me, and I think the reason why these statements got to me is because they got to the heart of why I don't particularly adore myself at this moment. In combination with stress and ever-mounting panic over my studies, I'm a little bit of a wreck right now. Still, doesn't mean I should drag other people down to the depths with me. My anger is all and good, but I don't want it start hurting the people I care about. Like, my mother said, "You're so much more belligerent now." This was after after I raised my voice over some silly issue I barely even recall now. I've been raising my voice a lot lately; I'm a naturally loud person, so when I raise my voice, its slightly below the decibel level allotted to fighter jets. It's not just that, but I'm so combative lately, I take everything to heart. It's like I'm always game for a fight. My best friend noted, "Nowadays, you get irritated so easily." I've always been a naturally moody person, but my best friend was right. Anything and almost everything sets me off lately. These are people I love, and yet I channel all my negative energy onto them. I feel pathetic. Like nothing I do is quite right. I care and I'm accused of being too attached. I don't care and I'm accused of being cold. I can't seem to strike a balance. I just need to get off this planet for awhile, I think, away from all the noise, but how can you escape the chorus of negativity when it resides in your own head? It's not very realistic, but I wish I could go off into a forest and just...breathe. I feel like being here, I'm not doing anyone any favors. I feel unloved; I know I don't love myself very much right now, and that makes me lash out. I keep feeling like, "What the hell?!?" Sometimes, I wish I could just step out of my body and give myself a good, hard shake. Slap some sense into myself. Yell at myself - "Work! Research doesn't write itself!", "Stop caring so damn much about others! They don't give a damn about you!", "Don't pick up that phone!", "Don't say that!", "Don't you get it already? They don't CARE about you! GET OVER IT ALREADY!" Yeah, I'd probably end up beating myself to a pulp, all the dumb stuff I've been doing lately.

Final thought: I'm still on course with living my life realistically, eyes wide open. Hurts like hell, but doesn't truth always sting a bit?