New slant on life

Breaking again my cardinal rule of not posting more than once a day, but I've been doing a lot of thinking, the culmination of a whole week of thinking and I just have to get it all down; if you're not interested in reading the disjointed rant of a girl who doesn't know what the heck is up, then I'm sorry to have led you this far. Take care and God bless. Okay, if you've stuck this far, get ready to have no freakin' idea what I'm on about, coz these are pretty nutty, personal issues, the details of which I'm not sure I want to divulge, but I'm going to vent anyhow. Revelation would the word for this week. Ever play connect-the-dots as a kid? I never really liked that game, I always preferred hidden word searches and things like that. Think that's reflected in my personality - I'm always trying to find the concealed, analyzing what's not said or done, sometimes ignoring completely what actually is said or done. Maybe coz when I was a kid, I didn't like to connect the dots, I'm having such a hard time applying the concept to real life now that I'm all grown up. Clues are right there in front my face; as the saying goes, if it were a snake, if would've bit me. I said this morning I have to start living my life more realistically. I do. I see the truth in people because I've lived my life on the sidelines for so long. All I've done is observe, and for better or worse, I'm good at weaseling out what lies just beneath the surface. When the answers are as plain as the nose on my face, however, it gets a tad more difficult for me. I blame that tendency of mine to look beyond the exterior for why it took me so long to realize the truth of this latest chapter of my life. In short, I realized the con slightly slow, but better late than never, right? And as I've said, I always try to hope that I'm wrong. Sometimes I get a gut feeling about something right from the get-go, but the little optimist in me (and she is very little, but pretty assertive) convinces me to quell my fears and give people the benefit of the doubt. Well, screw the benefit of the doubt, I think the occurences of this past week of my life have more than kicked the usefulness of thinking that people are inherently good off the curb and ran it over with an 18-wheeler. I would say I'm hurt, but I've gotten past that point. You can only hurt so much before you're numbed completely. I want to cry, but I've wasted enough tears and what good does it do anyone, least of all myself? I'd like to scream, but again, what's the use? Most of all, I'd like to stop being so angry - angry at the world, my life, the villains in it, and most of all myself, for getting myself mired in this mess and being too idiotic to even realize it before it's almost too late. I don't have the time right now, I don't have the energy. I'm sick of being so upset all the time, so down. I don't want to live my life needing other people's validation, that's a recipe for pain. I keep investing my feelings into people who don't give a damn about me. I live my life trying to please everyone in it, and yes, I fall short of the mark, many times, but it's an effort and I always thought it was noble in its own way. Well, guess what? If you defer yourself all the time, people start to think of you as a bit of doormat and what do people do with doormats? Walk all over them. You're relegated to second place, pinch-hitter. You're the one they call up when all their other options are unavailable, because they know you're so accommodating. You're not worth any more than a cheap pair of rubber flip-flops you buy on vacation and toss as soon as you come home. I've lived my life as a pinch-hitter for too long and I won't stand for it any longer, why should I? You're worth what you make yourself worth. Cheapen yourself and you're cheap; toughen up and make people realize your value or give them their walking papers, no matter how much it might hurt you. It's not like I haven't warned every person I've ever known I'm a few apples shy of a barrel and cruel. I think that goes without saying. That doesn't mean I don't deserve to be treated well, right? Doesn't everyone deserve at least that? Well, I've been shabbily treated and I've been banging my head against a wall, attempting to figure out what it was about me that let to it and you know what? Whatever it is about me, it doesn't matter. It's my life, they're my emotions. I'm sick of having it all tied up with other people. I'm not an easy person to get along with. I'm angry, vindictive, I never let anything go. I'm shrill and emotionally needy and sometimes, I say the absolute worse things. But it's a package. That's me. Take it or leave it and seriously speaking, I couldn't give a damn over who wants to leave it. I wish them the best of luck. I'm sure you'll be better off without me anyhow. I bear no one any ill will, it's just the way the dice were cast. I've been left more times than I can count, but I've always preservered. If tomorrow, everyone were to leave me, I'd feel sad, of course, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised. It's happened before, it's happening now and it's going to happen again. This probably sounds a bit defeatist, but I assure you, it's not. This is me, turning over a new emotional leaf - as I mentioned this morning, there are a lot of things I have to begin accepting and I will. Not tomorrow, not next week, right now, this very second. I got a wake-up call, and I've been ignoring it, but no longer. I'm up, I'm awake. I've connected the dots. Time for this girl to face facts.

Final thought: This is not a cry for help or attention. I've had enough of that. Never again.