Accept It

I've got to start living my life more realistically. I've always tried to be a pragmatic person, but I do have one (or two) tragic flaws that prevent this goal - I'm eternally hoping that I'm wrong. And it's simply not so. The fact is, and this is going to sound way too egotistical, but I'm often right. Not about everything, mind you, but about people, unless I really close my eyes and try to justify their actions, I can see the truth in all its vivid clarity. It hurts sometimes; God, who am I kidding, it always hurts! When you accept things as they are, they tend to change the very dynamics of your life. Here are some things I'm going to work on accepting (just add it to the already-teetering pile of my academic and mental work).

1) There's something about me that inherently drives people away. Now the question to ask myself is: do I work on changing this or say "F*ck off" and get on with my life? I choose the latter, mostly coz I don't think it's any one thing about me, it's a combo of such things, and I don't have the energy to catalogue every little aspect and work on it. Too tiring and ultimately, what does it change in my life? Only me, that's right. It's still up to the other person, and that's a gamble no matter what cards you bring to the table.
2) I have to stop being such a darn open book! It seems I tell everyone everything. It's not that I can't keep my mouth shut, but in the end, I don't feel I have anything to hide. This blog is Exhibit A of that fact. I think this cheapens me, somehow, that it makes people think - hey, you know what, whatever, she'll just blog/tell me about it about it anyway, I don't have to work at trying to figure out what's wrong with her.
3) The sensitive heart is the wounded heart. I gotta toughen up. You wanna ignore me on MSN? Yeah, whatever. You wanna lie to me? Sure, it's all cool. You wanna keep making me feel like I'm just the dolphin that got caught in the tuna net? Say hello to SupremeAnna, the Dolphin. People look at me and because I'm so large and rounded, they think, "Oh, she's tough." In matter of fact, I get hurt very easily; it's something to do with my skin being stretched so tight over my bones, I think.
4) I'm better off alone. By "alone" here, I mean I don't have to maintain relationships that suck my time, energy and emotion; I should work on cultivating only those that work. Pretty common-sense, but you can't imagine how much of me is wasted on people and things that don't deserve even a fifth of me. I'm not a girl who's scared to be by herself or only with a few people. I'd get lost in a crowd. So why should I hold onto people/things that only bring me down? I have to stop caring about people who don't care about me.
5) I must stop trying to get people to indulge my constant need for self-worth affirmation. Newsflash: no one can make you feel worth it if you're not! It's funny, because at home, I get constant affirmation that I'm worth something, but it's like it's not enough for me - I always need to know exactly where I stand with people and it's the devil! To say I always want to be number one for everyone isn't putting it precisely; it's more like, once I feel assured that I'm worth something to someone, then I can relax and not feel pressure anymore, pressure to force them to pander to my narcissim. It's horrible when I feel like my self-worth is low, because you get me wanting to hear that I'm worth something, or shown and for God's sakes, other people aren't ringmasters that can conjure up a three-ring circus just to show that they care about me at the drop of a hat! I have to sort out who really does and doesn't care about me, then I won't have to keep baiting people into making me feel better. It's exhausting.

Final thought: I've just got to fix my warped vision, and I'll be okay. Accept life as it really is, not how I wish it were. And before you ask, no, this is not a plea for pity or sympathy or anything, it's just a rant. That's what blogs are good for, huh?