Nine Million Bicycles

"There are nine million bicycles in Beijing/That's a fact/It's a thing we can't deny/Like the fact that I will love you till I die." The first moment I heard that lyric, I knew I was gonna like this song. Katie Melua, in Nine Million Bicycles, has perfectly captured with that one phrase exactly how I've always felt about love. When you're in love, you know it, you know it as surely as you know you're hungry or cold or dying. It's undeniable. Bullet to the brain, knife in the gut, lightning to your heart - love makes its presence known. I've only really fallen in love twice in the my life, and the first time I don't think counts, because I was too young and too stupid to understand what it was I was feeling. I'm not young anymore, but I'm still stupid, as the second time I fell in love proves. With my first love, it was like your first visit to the circus. You're amazed by the sights, by the sounds, you can hardly concentrate, there's so much to see and hear and be amazed by, and for God's sakes, there's three whole rings of activity! You love it all, the garish colors, the jugglers, the trapeze artists - but of course, after about an hour, you get sick on cotton candy and end up throwing up an endless storm of furious pink. It was like that when I fell in love the first time; I was so enthralled by him, by everything about him, it was like the circus, like the loud, exciting circus, but you can only be entertained by so much activity for so long. Of course, you never really swear off the circus; it always has a special place in your heart, but you don't need to go back. The second time - well, that I can only describe it as how I came to like Nine Million Bicycles. One day, I was just minding my own business, listening to Launchcast, when this plaintive flute (I'm guessing it's a flute, not sure) begins to play, and the first lyric blares and my interest is piqued. I'm not sold right away, but bit by bit, lyric by lyric, I'm drawn in and suddenly, before you know it, it's become the newest fixture on my playlist. That's how I fell in love with Mr. Heartbreaker; it wasn't fireworks and explosions from the get-go, though there was sparkage. It was gradual, like sinking in quicksand; slow and ultimately, deadly. He's been on my mind quite a bit more lately. I don't know, he's always on my mind, I guess. He hurt me so thoroughly and yet...What else is there in my life? Everything of value in my life, sadly, pales to the memory of him, of the way he smiled. I know it's all in my mind, that I am the only one who's treating him as the light in my supposedly otherwise dark life. My life is not dark; it's a good life, despite everything, it's a worthy life, even though I'm not terribly worthy of it. I am blessed; not just in terms of materials, but I'm safe, and loved, by my family at least. Yet why do I pine away for someone who only ever hurt me? Maybe I'm a sucker for pain. Maybe I've just lost my mind.

Final thought: Well, of this I am sure...there are nine million bicycles in Beijing and the only way I'll ever love again is through a miracle.