Dysfunction

For better or for worse, I think our relationship with our families colors every other relationship in our lives. The personalities of the people in your family, the people you interact with, have an influence on how you react and interact with other people. I think it's especially true of romantic relationships - you either end up falling for someone similar to a family member or you just go the other way. In my case, the two men in my life are the main culprits. When I look over the guys I fall for, I can always see similarities to my father and brother. My father is the most unromantic man in Thailand, and I say that with love. He can't dance, he can't sing, he couldn't compose music or poetry if it was the cure for world hunger. My father loves us - my mother, my brother and I, I know he loves us more than himself, and that he would gladly lay down his own life to save ours. I know this even though he never says it. I know this even though he finds hugs and kisses awkward. I know this even though he finds it hard to express his affection in any way, shape or form. So, somewhere in the back of my consciousness, somewhere hidden behind all romantic stuff I'd like to find in a man, is this understanding that sometimes the deepest love is the love that is not expressed. "Romantic is good," my mother says, "but it's not everything." I think of it like Spock, from Star Trek. Spock was the cold, logical, supposedly unfeeling Vulcan - but if you watched him during a crisis, particularly one involving his best friend, Captain Kirk, you could sense that beneath all that ice was a heart that was breaking more poignantly than anyone else. It's because of my father that I have a certain image of what a man should be, what a man should do, and I admit, it's probably a distorted image, but it's my mental template, and every guy I meet, I compare him to it. It's because of my father that I have a penchant for men who tend to keep their emotions well under wraps, and sometimes, that leads to frustration. Mr. Heartbreaker is the prime example - he was the most equivocal person on the planet; he never said exactly what he meant, and you couldn't read his emotions unless you were psychic. This upset me so much coz I never knew how to react, but that's what you get for liking a guy who doesn't reveal his feelings. As for my brother, well, he's a lot like my father, only slightly more sensitive, the artistic type. I'd have to say, even though I could call Mr. Heartbreaker a love of my life, my brother is the love of my life. He and I may not always get along, and he may think I'm totally uncool, but I know he loves me and cares about me and worries that I might get robbed or killed on the streets of Bangkok (though coz he is cool, he'd never admit it). It's my brother's fault I like arty guys - poets are my real weakness, with songwriters a close second. It's probably also partly his fault that I always fall for guys who don't have any interest in reaching their potential - it's like something in me is drawn to clever slackers, as if I believe that it's my duty to push them to where they need to go. So, I'm not wholly to blame for my romantic dysfunctions, and that makes me happy.

Final thought: Your family knows all your faults...because half of those are shared by them!