Every Breath I Take

"Even nectar is poison if taken to excess" goes the Hindu proverb. My parents are always advocating the metaphorical middle path; moderation is key to a happy life, that's their philosophy. There's some truth in that, I'd have to agree. One of the main problems in my life is excess - excess of food, excess of work, excess of worry. Of course, right now, it's excess of emotion that's derailing me. Everywhere I look, there's his face. Everywhere I turn, I hear his voice. Everything I do, reminds me of him, of something he said, of something he did. I can't draw a breath without missing him. I never knew that loving someone too much could be such poison. Before I decided to separate myself from him, I thought I would be shattered, that I would feel a deep intense pain not dissimilar to being stabbed or shot. I was wrong. It was more of a numbness, like the pain you get when you've been sitting in one position too long and try to stand back up and your legs just give way. It was that helpless feeling, of being trapped inside your own body, unable to move, unable to speak, yet on the outside, you seem just fine. It was that kind of pain. Inside, I was wooden, I was hollow, I was devoid of all sensation. But on the outside, I laughed, I smiled, I walked, I talked, I went on like nothing had happened. Some of the pain has lifted, but I still hurt. With every breath, I hurt. I loved him so much, and he made me see that even that much love was simply not enough. Or maybe, it was more than enough, maybe he began to feel suffocated by me. I feel more and more these days that my aggressive nature will be the death of me - if I want to know something, I need to know it now! And, apparently, that just scares people off. Again, my excesses is killing me. My goal is to try to calm myself down. For now, though, all I can do is hold on.

Final thought: "My bounty is as boundless as the sea/ My love as deep; the more I give to thee/ The more I have, for both are infinite." Romeo and Juliet