Playing Offense

As a kid, I bounced around from one group of friends to another. I never really fit in anywhere, with anyone. I literally had new friends every academic year, sometimes, I even changed groups during the semester. Was I a lonely kid? No, not really, I always had my fun. I watch all these movies about high school outsiders who are so depressed and upset with their lot in life, and I think, "Hey, that was me, and I don't remember it being that melancholy." Perhaps I was desensitized to it early on - I literally had a first grade friend who said to me during recess, "I can't be friends with you anymore." Kids can be brutal. It was snowing, and bitterly cold and I didn't have my mittens on. I don't remember if I asked her why. I was just a baby at the time, and all I could do was walk away. Ever since then, unconsciously at least, I've come to see that the best defense is a good offense. Could be why I couldn't stay put in any one clique. Could be because I am inherently evil. My first crush told me I had cripplingly low self-confidence in my ability to make and maintain friends. He was and is right. No matter how good a friendship is going, there is always a kernel of doubt, that little voice at the back of my skull screaming, "It won't last. At the first sign of trouble, cut out!" I've survived because of that advice. It's only recently that I've begun to try to find a place to settle, but it's hard. It helps that I have a best friend. It helps that I've found friends who think I'm mildly funny. It helps that I have a good friend who calls me almost every night and reassures me that yes, I have a mean streak, but hey, he can take it (or so he says). Am I still wary? Always. Old habits die hard. There are still parts of me I know I'll never share without some real, true persuasion. I think that's okay; it's that 10% you need to hold on to to keep sane. Goldfinger asked me why I was so mean, why I delight in cruelty. The truth is, everyone becomes attached to their weapon of choice. I suppose that's enough revelations for today, considering I am again breaking my cardinal rule against daily-double blogging.

Final thought: "When he [man] is pleased, a feeling of affection springs up within him; when angry, his poisoned sting is brought into play." Shih Chi