Hopeless Fool
Is there such a thing as an "All-Year Fool"? Coz I'd definitely qualify. Could be my foul mood, but every day seems to be, lately at least, an uphill struggle. I'm dragging this sorry excuse for a person (myself) along this road we call life and scratching up other people on the way. I wonder, "What the hell? Why do I bother?" I think I'm a fool for that. Darn, this is veering down into super-negativity again. I admit, I do feel slightly better because I just got some good news from Alan about a certain issue that's been bugging me, but I'm not 100% back to my perky happy usual self. I'm working on remedying this. I watched The 40-Year-Old Virgin, a piece of horribly inane, foul-mouthed, perverted cinema that did not tax any of my mental capabilities (translation: I kinda liked it). I treated myself to a disgustingly large cheeseburger for dinner. I refused to do any research for my fast-approaching individual study. I am throwing caution to the wind (a fraction of it anyway) in an attempt to calm myself down. The one thing I can't seem to control is thinking about him, the man who broke my heart and, though it makes no sense at all, is still in the process of breaking it (can't explain how that's possible, considering I washed my hands of him). He's always in my mind - in my conscious thoughts or lurking at the back, waiting to jump out when I hear a song lyric that reminds me of him or see a shirt that looks like something he might like or even during stupid moments, like when I stubbed my toe on the doorframe today. I thought how I'm always eight hundred times more klutzy in his presence and that set me off on a reverie. If you're wondering why I just can't get over him, believe me, I've tried, tried, tried, TRIED. I can't seem to shake him. I've only had two great loves in my life. The first began with a crush in the fifth grade and escalated into a love that survived puberty, his moving away, his playboy streak and the requisite string of girlfriends and a whole continent of separation - oh, and did I mention it was unrequited? Yes, I was the one pining away for years and years; he could've cared less. How did I snap out of that one? I didn't do it voluntarily. I fell in love with Mr. Heartbreaker. That's how I stopped caring about my first love. It doesn't seem hopeful if the only way I can stop myself from wishing I could hear the sound of his voice is to fall in love with someone else! At this point, I'm so hurt, so jaded, that nothing short of a grand gesture on the scale of say - I don't know, say a teen romantic comedy (lame much?) - would win me over and what guy would waste that much time and energy on me? Hopeless.
Final thought: And the title of "All-Year Fool" goes to...me (cue pity applause).
posted by: rants (reply)
post date: 04.01.06 (10:41 am)
Sounds like you are down. I'm sorry for the mental anguish you are enduring. I think we all have something eating at us. I am in a relationship but have fallen head over heals for my best friend of 5 years. To complicate matters, she is in a relationship and has no idea of my "real" feelings. I just stay quiet and swallow hard. I see "her" at least 3 times a week and we talk and/or email almost every day. Oh well....
I am optimistic and I hope you will be too. Things will only get better--one way or the other. Good luck and thanks for being the 1st visitor to my "new" blog!
Take care
Bryan
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 04.01.06 (12:21 pm)
Is it just me or have you been more down since I first started reading your blog?? *worried* Has Mr. Heartbreaker become just an image?? Maybe it's time to let that go...
posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 04.01.06 (2:09 pm)
I think most of us go through ups and downs on a somewhat regular basis. When we are naturally down, it is easier to find a reason why. So I encourage you not to be so hard on yourself and don't look so intently for reasons to be down. Just wade through this time, and it will get better.
posted by: kayoko (reply)
post date: 04.01.06 (3:53 pm)
I can openly admit that I watched 'The 40-Year-Old Virgin' and liked it. It's just the kind of mindless comedy that people need to watch sometimes.
From my experience, you never actually get over people that you like. You just..end up liking someone else even more. It's alright to feel like you do. It's okay if you don't want to move on right now. Cry a bit. Laugh a bit. It'll work out somehow. And someday, a guy will sneak up behind you and grab you for good. It'll be okay. *hugs*
I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
posted by: bronwynj (reply)
post date: 04.01.06 (7:12 pm)
I agree with kayoko: "you never actually get over people that you like. You just..end up liking someone else even more." So my advice would be to see lots of people, meet new people, keep on the look out for new men to 'swoon' over. Mind you, it's best to let the guys chase you, not the other way 'round. Just go out & have fun, when your studies allow you to.
When you feel really depressed, just remember these words: "This too shall pass".
Are you getting enough omega 3 fatty acids in your diet, eg from tuna & salmon, or cod liver oil capsules? Omega 3 helps you not to be anxious & depressed - & is good for learning & memory.
posted by: supremeanna (reply)
post date: 04.02.06 (5:53 am)
Reply to: rants
optimism is difficult in my state (as i'm in a situation not dissimilar from yours), but i do believe "every cloud has a lining". i'm glad u joined us here on tblog :)
posted by: supremeanna (reply)
post date: 04.02.06 (6:26 am)
Reply to: PastorDave
advice acknowledged. thank you :)
posted by: supremeanna (reply)
post date: 04.02.06 (6:35 am)
Reply to: kayoko
"And someday, a guy will sneak up behind you and grab you for good" LOL nice bit of imagery, thanks :)
posted by: supremeanna (reply)
post date: 04.02.06 (6:36 am)
Reply to: bronwynj
"this to shall pass" - funny, i always tell others that too, but i never thought to apply it to myself :) thanks for reminding me and yes, my diet is slightly out of whack too, that's definitely part of the problem. thank you for the website recommendation. :)