Me, Myself and I...Hate them all
Do you ever just hate yourself? I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror today and I was just repulsed by what I saw - not just the exterior, the physical side of me (which I'm never too thrilled with), but since I was the one casting a critical eye over myself, and I know myself better than anyone, I could see all the way down into my own darkness. I hate myself. It's a temporary state, but yes, I really can't stand myself right now. Everything about me is slightly or completely off-kilter. I feel so...unlikable. I ask myself that if I were another person, and I was having a fight with me, would I forgive myself? The answer is honestly: "Probably not." I am a dirty fighter. I don't mind getting in the gutter if I feel an argument calls for it. If I burn a bridge, I want it annihilated, no chance of rebuilding. I'm so good at it, that sometimes I do it unconsciously and by the time I've assessed the damage, it's too late. I've been doing it recently and I hate myself for it because really, I didn't mean to, but who's going to believe me? I hate myself for not swallowing my pride and just throwing myself at their mercy. I hate myself for not trying harder to fix things. I hate myself for giving a care. I basically just hate everything about me at this very moment and yes, that's a negative outlook and it hurts and it's awful, but I can't seem to help it. I know it's wrong to base your emotions on people outside of you, that an external locus of control never did anyone any favors, but Goddamnit, that's where I'm at.
Final thought: The bridges were burned and now it's your turn to cry. From Cry Me a River
posted by: Misguided (reply)
post date: 03.30.06 (5:51 am)
Right now u r going through alot and i am not sure what caused all of this...but everyone has a dark side 2 them at one moment of there lives...but one says u can not change...but u can if u want 2 make changes in your life..sounds 2 me u need 2 find yourself and focus just on u and no one else...i hate the outer part of me...and it took time 2 find the inter part of me and i am not a bad person at all...just when someone is depressed they find themselves in dark and glooming places...if u want a brighter side 2 u i am sorry 2 say u have 2 work at it...
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 03.30.06 (5:55 am)
Actually, yes I know how you feel. I think we all probably do to one degree or another. But I think we all need these 'down times', not a prolonged state or anything, but just a time to get mad and lash out. I sincerely hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you :)
posted by: rosietulips (reply)
post date: 03.30.06 (9:31 am)
Do you want to change? If so, you can start changing your outlook...If not, just embrace it all and accept that that's just the way you are. It's no good to hate yourself!! I don't hate you.
posted by: bacardibreezer (reply)
post date: 03.30.06 (9:53 am)
Hey if you dont like who you are, change it! But only do it for yourself, no one else. Do what makes you happy..
posted by: supremeanna (reply)
post date: 03.31.06 (2:35 am)
Reply to: Misguided
you're right of course, i work have to work at making myself happy. it's hard, really, but you're right. thanks for your comment
posted by: supremeanna (reply)
post date: 03.31.06 (2:36 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
i'm sure this a temporary state, but it feels so terribly long! :( thanks for your insights
posted by: supremeanna (reply)
post date: 03.31.06 (2:37 am)
Reply to: rosietulips
thanks for not hating me :)
posted by: supremeanna (reply)
post date: 03.31.06 (2:40 am)
Reply to: bacardibreezer
i want to change really, but do you ever get that feeling like pure frustration knowing that you'll change for like a week or a month and then, boom, you'll slip back into your old habits? that's what i'm scared of. :(