Trust No One

Breaking a cardinal rule of mine, again - posting twice on the same day, but I just need to gripe. First off, darn the Chulalongkorn registration website! I've been trying to get into it since seven to check my freaking grades and it is just being a pain! And it's a tease - it let me get to the login page, only to deny my entry! <frustrated scream> Second off, a certain someone who shall remain anonymous flaked out on me for lunch for the umpteenth time. I have decided I am better off not giving a care, because the more I care, the more and the more deeply people can hurt me (not that I was hurt by this; I saw it coming, but...honesty really is the best policy, you know?). Did I mention I miss my best friend like hell? Third off, I feel stupid. Yeah, that's just it, present tense, right in the here and now I feel like a moron. Like my life's a sitcom and I'm the dumb character, the one that always gets a laugh, but because of her naivete, because she's always the butt of a joke. I can't explain it, it's just the culmination of a lot of little things. No, wait, it began with a big thing and it's like the little things that followed have made it worse. Like, my boat sprang a large leak and then people just began to poke holes in it and it keeps sinking faster and faster everyday and by the way, I can't swim. He hurt me. I've never really come out and said it, but he hurt me, not with his words or his actions or any combination of what he said or what he did - he hurt me with his lack thereof. I was perfectly fine on my own when he arrived and cut a large gash in the entity I call my life. He cut me open and left me to die, which I do a little bit everyday, because he didn't bother to do a thing. His indifference injured me more than anything else. I walked away and he didn't care enough to walk after me. No, he didn't even care enough to call my name or ask me to stop. In all honesty, I would have; I still would. It's pathetic and weak and sappy, but I love him. Yes, Goddamit, I love him and it's because of him that I can't ever really trust anyone ever again, why the slightest thing like a touch of apathy or a failure to inform me of important things affects me so deeply. It's because of him that I realized that the amount that you love and care for someone is not equivalent  to the love and care they reward you with; it's either more or less, and in this case, it was less and it seems like every relationship I've been in since him (and I mean mainly friendships), I see more and more evidence to prove my theory. It's like the things that are salient to me, the things I deem important and that I thought were important or felt were important, simply aren't to the other person. I get that we're all different people, that no one can know exactly what it's like to inhabit our skin, but God, am I that much of an idiot? Am I so in the dark all the time? Are people trying to tell me things that I just can't understand? I think so. I think a lot of people are trying to tell me a lot of things, but I just can't listen, I lack the ability to process what their messages are and I just realized it and I feel dumb. This is turning into such a negative entry, but you know what, I've been on full-tilt for weeks now, with exams and seminars and worrying about my paper and now, on top of all that, I have a sore throat, I didn't edit the textbook my friend asked me to and it's past midnight and I've gotta go to bed, but I'm too wired to sleep. And just this moment I see that I shouldn't waste anymore time on trying to get it because it's time wasted. I'm emotionally damaged. I'll never get it. I obviously don't get it now, even though I've been clubbed over the head with my own imbecility. Maybe I can't wholly blame him for my state; perhaps he just aggravated a previously-existing condition. Knowing him was my consciousness-raising activity, though. He's the one who knocked the blinders off me, him and his cool unconcern. "Don't you get it? We're like ships in the night, and if you're lucky, you'll make friends with one or two other ships that won't understand you, but be able to accept you and that's all you can hope for." But I was stubborn, he always said I was stubborn. I didn't want to believe it until right this very moment. He was the one who taught me to look at everyone and everything with a jaundiced eye. He was right. It's the only defense for us naive ones. I've gotta stop trying to make sense out of nonsense. It'll drive me crazy. I hate being an introspective person. At this very moment, I think I hate myself just a little bit too, the gullible, easily-duped part of me anyhow. If falling in love taught me anything, it's trust no one. (Or was that the X-Files? At least I have my sense of humor intact.) And by no one, I don't mean a cynical "no one", I mean "no one who hasn't proved themself". If someone takes the time to make a grand gesture, then yes, I would trust them. But until then, I have these scars on my psyche to remind me what being soft can do to you. Such a long post, with no sense whatsoever. I didn't write this for sympathy or condolences or any of that. I wrote this because this is who I am this point - I bleed, and it's all true. I see clearly my faults, the chinks in my own armor. Never care too much, because it will be your downfall.

Final thought: I hate myself for loving you. You lied, you hurt me, but you taught me so many valuable lessons. All lies lead to the truth.