Bummed out
06.29.09 (1:51 am) [edit]
School has bummed me out to an intense degree. I hate homework. I didn't know just how much until I had a three-year break from it and am once again confronted by loads and loads of it. I'm reminded of something Chandler Bing said on friends - "You know I can only dish it out!" Who knew you still had to do homework when working towards a Ph.D? Sometimes I think being a goody-two-shoes geekgirl is going to be the death of me. God knows I almost died of an ulcer getting my master's. My doctor always says the same thing: "You have got to calm down." Gee, thanks, Doc. Got a pill for that? While we're on the topic, you got a pill for clearing out memories of jerk ex-friends or to repel annoying new classmates? I promised myself I wouldn't think about it, but I've been watching old episodes of Friends (interspersed with reading up on learner autonomy and interlanguage) and they've reminded me that it gets harder and harder to make true friends as you get older. I can't help thinking about certain people who promised to stay with me through it all, only to turn around and trounce off to the nearest bar/beach with their new crew the moment the going got tough. I'm not saying I was completely in the clear; I accept my fair share of responsibility for what happened, but there's only so much someone can take before they just have to call the whole thing off. It doesn't help when the other party protests cluelessness or blames it all on me. It's never just one person's fault. I tried so hard to be there, to be helpful, to be loyal, but I continually felt short-changed. I see that in a lot of my relationships - with co-workers, with classmates. I guess either I'm setting the bar too high or I just have crummy luck. At any rate, I'm having a hard time connecting with my fellow Ph.D candidates. I don't know if it's just me, but they're a bit...cliquey. Three weeks into the term and none of them have spoken more than ten words to me. I've tried sending friendly smiles their way, but it's getting kind of Arctic. Here's one particular episode that comes to mind. Second week of class, one of the guys forgets his handout at home. I have an extra copy, so I say, "Oh, you can have mine" and start handing it over to him. Out of nowhere, another hand shoots out with a copy of the handouts and he grabs it, leaving me with my hand extended like a dolt. And do you think he said anything along the lines of, "Thanks, but no thanks"? No sir! He just accepts the other classmate's handout (his friend, by the way) and completely ignores my proffered one. Pardon me if I'm mistaken, but if you weren't raised in a swamp, wouldn't saying something be the appropriate response? So shoot me, but I've decided that I'm better off just working on my own. I've been screening friends for a long time and it's a system that's more or less worked for me, so I'm going to keep it that way.
Final thought: Still hate homework.
Final thought: Still hate homework.