When you've been had
08.04.08 (1:31 am) [edit]
I haven't blogged in so long because real life has been kicking me in the kneecaps, but I'm not feeling so great today and I need an outlet. I've had numerous moments in my life when I've gotten the sneaking suspicion I'm being played. Granted, for the most part, I'm pretty gullible. Con men would call me an easy mark. I think it stems from my overriding desire to please everyone. God knows why. I get this awful, tight feeling in my chest if I feel like I'm not making everyone happy. Pathetic, I know, and damaging. As I grow older (and the teeniest, tiniest bit wiser), I'm starting to realize that a) you can't please everyone and b) why the hell would you want to? There's a certain sort of person to whom it doesn't matter in the slightest the hundreds of favors you do them, all the times you agreed to do something they wanted to do even though you didn't want to do it AT ALL, all of the energy you invested in trying to make them happy and comfortable; in the very next hour, they can turn around and start leeching off someone else. I don't blame them. It's in their nature. Do you hate a cat because it likes to scratch up furniture? No. You keep on loving the cat - but expect nothing from it. You try to rationalize, thinking of all the things the cat gives you. You weigh up the pros and cons. You don't blame the cat. That would be illogical. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. But when you've spent as much time as me playing second fiddle and being given the shaft, you learn to trust your instincts. You come to realize it's better off to be alone than to be stuck in a relationship where you constantly feel like you're having to prove yourself, to make a splash. There's this myth that people who are alone are lonely. This is a crock. People who are lonely are people who don't like themselves very much. They can't stand being alone with themselves - they have no idea what to do, how to act. They can't get comfortable in their own skin. I'm not saying we should all retreat into our little shells, but when you're stuck in a corrosive relationship, sometimes, it's best just to step back.
Final thought: Getting back to work now...
Final thought: Getting back to work now...