Anna Log

Rambling and incoherent

12.23.07 (2:44 am)   [edit]

This is another long, rambling post because...well, sometimes, a girl just needs to rant. There are moments in your life where you realize your own weakness and it sickens you. Makes me think of The Kite Runner - how one act of cowardice haunted the protagonist all his life. I believe there are many such moments in everyone's life. Moments where you think, "Whoa, I'm really not as over that as I thought." I'd gotten to a point in my life where I was under the impression that emotionally, I was stable. Not rock-steady, but capable of withstanding external forces up to a point. This last year has been the crucible that formed my new resolve to not feel so strongly, to care so much. I may have the manner of a harpy, but I do think one of my strongest traits is my loyalty and the fact that people can rely on me 98% of the time to do, well, anything legal really as I find it hard to say no to my friends. Of course, this backfired and I was deeply wounded by the fall-out. It hurts to think others don't care about you as much as you care about them - or even at all. Then I realized - why should I let it affect me? My best friend and I have a new battle cry - don't tie your happiness to someone else's. I've used this concept to eliminate the emotional deadwood in my life. So, you're gonna tick me off, huh? Hit the road. I don't have the time or emotional space to fool around anymore. People have stepped all over me for so long, mostly because I let them. That thought depressed me. Was I the instrument of my own misery? Apparently, yes. I'm just weak. I give people too many chances. Perhaps I hope, somehow, it will all be reciprocated. Though, really, that's just silly. The only person I have control over is myself and even that's not shaping up too well. I'll just keep on...keeping on, I suppose. This time around, I run at the slightest hint of pain. The signs I once ignored, rationalized away or plain didn't recognize I now see with alarming clarity. I'll know when to jump ship this time, or even when not to board at all.

Final thought: Stay the course.

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Doormat?

12.11.07 (1:41 am)   [edit]
Am I a doormat? I know I have a tendency to give into people because to be honest, there's very little that rubs me the wrong way enough for me to actually contest it. Mostly, I let things slide because I'm too tired to argue. Does that make me a pushover? A bit, I suppose, and yes, it's been something of a problem, but lately, since I've cleared out the deadwood (read: deadbeats) in my life, it hasn't been too troubling. Today someone said to me though, "You're a doormat." Am I still, I wonder? Because I kinda think I'm not, just accommodating when I want to be. When people say stuff like that to me, I sorta wonder if I'm slipping back into my old, second-fiddle ways. I hope not. I hated being there. I hated feeling like I was never good enough or just enough. How do I stop myself from being pulled back there? Should I start asserting myself more, even at the risk of causing conflicts? Or should I do some more emotional housekeeping?

Final thought: I have no idea.

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Thoughts on Christmas

12.09.07 (4:35 am)   [edit]
It's coming around towards Christmas, traditionally my fave holiday, but I just discovered I'm working on that day so that kinda puts a damper on things. Who the heck works on Christmas, barring reindeer and Jolly Old Saint Nick? I was looking forward to kicking back, going off to midnight mass, sleeping in, eating copious amounts of food and general lazing about. Well, that's out the window. Just my luck. But no worries. It's beyond my control and I won't let it rattle me. The more pressing issue - presents! I hate shopping for gifts. I never know what to get anyone. I don't wanna sound egotistical or anything but I am a darn easy person to shop for. It's either a bookstore gift certificate or something related to The X-Files or Supernatural. That's pretty much it. And what do you do when you know what someone wants but you're not entirely sure he deserves it? Do you get it anyway? Dilemma.

Final thought: What about cookies? Would those make good presents?

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