Anna Log

Geez, it's been awhile since I blogged. Shortly after graduation, hectic set in, with work and exams and papers to grade. To top it all off, the combination of my allergies and a cold just about toppled me. I've had neither the energy nor inclination to blog nor do anything else really. There were some days I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and just sleep the day away. Things were pretty bleak, but then I remembered that strength is partly mental and I told myself, "Screw it. You're okay." There have been a lot of highs in my life this year - for instance my job, my graduation - but there have also been lows. But hey, that's life, right? Kinda like a thermostat. You spend lotsa time adjusting it so the temperature is just right for you, and then someone or something comes along and screws it all to heck. I live my life realistically, so I accept that. I get the feeling people might start to think I'm a bit standoffish. I've been turning down quite a few invites and whatnot, unless it's someone I'm relatively close to. I am somewhat standoffish, I suppose. I've been hurt a lot these last few years; a lot of it is just a feedback loop started from undergrad, because yeah, I always seem to go back for more, but a while back, there was some major "Oh hell, this stings" events. I'm not very eloquent about it, but pain is not something I've ever dealt with well. This blog is starting to sound like a downer, but it's not...not really. I'm at a better place in my life than I've been in recent months. I'm not 100%, and that's okay. There are days I wanna crawl back into bed; such is the nature of the beast. I don't spend my time beating myself up over things I can't change and probably wouldn't if I had the chance. I hurt people; I accept that. I've been hurt by people too. It doesn't square things, by any means, or makes us even or whatever, but it's helpful for me to remember, always, that relationships are two-way streets. If ever you feel like you've given too much or taken too much, there are problems. That unbalance will ultimately cause a collapse. The rubble will crush you, knock the breath out of you, but you've got to claw your way out and rebuild. Probably not on the same site, though you may carry stones from it.  I've got my stones, my mortar, but I'm just not ready to break ground just yet.

Final thought: More pleasant entry next time. That's a promise.

4 Comments

My God, my graduation was exhausting. I confess: I fell asleep twice (that’s right, twice) during the ceremony. One moment, my eyes were open and I was listening to the various deans drone the names of their respective graduates; the next, I was opening my eyes and wondering vaguely if I had woken myself up with my own snoring. (And yes, that has happened before.) Of course, I was exhilarated when it was over. Had my brother, my official cameraman, snap about a hundred pictures. Only about a fourth of them turned out to be any good, but that’s to be expected. The next few days were just as tiring. See, in Thailand, graduation is not just about the graduate – it’s about your family. I was dragged along to various family dinners, where I proceeded to don my graduation gown and proudly display my newly-obtained diploma. When it was over, I still had a pile of papers to grade and a ton of other things to attend to. However, I was too worn out to do anything but watch the Saturday night rerun of Supernatural and clean up my work space. I’m worried about myself, a little. I feel listless again. My diet is all weird. I don’t feel like eating anything at work. Seriously, during the day I’m subsisting on chocolate milk and dim sum. There was a whole week where I ate nothing but potato chips and green tea. The food at work bores me. I guess I should pack a lunch, but I’m just not into that anymore. Plus, I guess I shouldn’t have any concerns because I do get a sensible breakfast (courtesy of my mom) and a good, solid dinner. So, should it matter that I don’t really eat lunch? On top of which, this weirdo diet isn’t doing anything for me. I feel (and look) heavier than ever. The food issue is one thing, but I’m just feeling tired at work. My baby (i.e. my computer) is back in commission, but it doesn’t seem to be helping motivate me to finish any work. Thankfully, my students are having their midterm this Saturday, so I don’t have to assign anything but their big end-of-unit paper. That means I don’t have to read anything student-related for a full week. Of course, that means I’m gonna waste my time on other stuff, but I think I need a bit of downtime to ponder things. Stuff has been happening all around me and it’s got me wondering.