Things on my mind or Yet Another List
It's listing time! The holidays are fantastic, aren't they? Especially since they give me a chance to indulge in purposeful formulation of lists. Shopping lists. Packing lists. Wishlists. It's endless. I love it! It's still a bit early for New Year's resolutions, but the grains are there. And so, a list of thoughts that flashed through my mind over the past few days, which may or may not materialize into actual resolutions.
1) Geez, I am ignorant. Maybe I ought to watch the news more. Like, I read it every morning, but perhaps I should try and find out how to actually pronounce "Ehud Olmert".
2) God, is white-out dangerous? I should really Google that...
3) My behind is huge!
4) I have the world's shortest fuse but am totally terrified of confrontation. That equals a lot of stunted anger. That can't be good, it just can't be. Maybe I ought to learn to how either to relax or vent. More. Constructively, too.
5) Miss my friends. Should email them more.
6) Goldfinger's present, Goldfinger's present, GOLDFINGER'S PRESENT!
7) I can't stand when people don't pick up by the fourth ring! I need to stop letting it ring past the fourth ring.
8) Lord, I have a truck driver's mouth lately. If my mother knew, she'd wash it out with soap.
9) People step on doormats. I am not a doormat - or am I? The reciprocal of giving too much is having too much taken from you. And after awhile, for some people, it means nothing. So why bother?
10) Sometimes, the hardest things to do in life are the most important to accomplish. Gotta stick to my guns, regardless of the emotional trauma involved. Otherwise, people start to think you're wishy-washy and I am not wishy-washy.
Final thought: Of course, my main resolution is set - live my life more realistically. Happy holidays! (Will blog when I get back.)
Cleanliness is next to Godliness
My office is a mess. It's an affront to my sense of orderliness. No, really, it's amazing how a bunch of well-educated, literate, modern young people can take such a lax attitude towards their surroundings. Couldn't stand it any longer this morning, and started to organize things. See, my office isn't a bunch of little cubicles. It's one largish room that houses a bunch of computers, two photocopiers and one long table where everyone congregates. Unfortunately, this table is also where the various bric-a-brac, gewgaws and doodads are collected. This morning unearthed, in no particular order: a silver bell Christmas ornament, an opened jar of tiger balm sans cover, various colored pencils shaped like twigs, a brown straw, two separate tubes of facial cream, a grubby teaspoon, more rubber bands than anyone would deem necessary, and a Winnie-the-Pooh mug half-filled with water from God-knows-when. Yes, indeed, for a girl who constantly chants "cleanliness is next to Godliness", it's pretty bad. Listen, I'm not one of those uptight people who needs to color-code their folders or who has a stroke if someone leaves a staple or two lying around. I get messy sometimes. Who doesn't? But this is like...orchestrated messiness. And I can't stand for it. I mean, for goodness' sakes, at the very least, all the paper clips should be in one place, am I right here? Then again, maybe this craze is just an expression of my frustration at not being able to control other aspects of my life. Who knows?
Final thought: I really do believe cleanliness is next to Godliness. Maybe not always, but just about.
I Believe in Me
Oh my God! Christmas is just around the corner. Can it be - another year is coming to an end? Suddenly miss drama club. Loved it there. True, the rehearsals were tiresome and long, long, long, but God, did I have fun. It was the one time in my life when I felt like I was truly surrounded by people I liked. I have so many great memories from my time there. Put a bunch of arty types altogether in a room for hours on end, and you get more singing, dancing and laughter than you know what to do with. It was fantastic. Hmmm. We usually had more and more rehearsals around Christmas, with Mr. Alex lamenting the fact that we were gonna lose days and days of practice coz of the holidays. I find myself humming stuff from my first show, a musical version of Lysistrata. Mr. Alex adapted all these Broadway staples and I just loved it. Aside from my solo piece ("I Enjoy Being a Girl"), I sang duet on I Believe in You from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and it's been running through my head these past few days. I sing it to stir myself. Great song, with a great meaning. Good motivating song. Need that kinda kick these days. Christmas is a time for sentimental hopes, isn't it? Well, I believe in myself. That's a sentimental hope, and foolish, but there it is.
Final thought: I hear the sound of good, solid judgment
Whenever you talk;
Yet there's the bold, brave spring of the tiger
That quickens your walk.
Oh, I believe in you.
I believe in you.
From How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying
Just some stuff that happened and what I thought of it
Saw Goldfinger today. As chipper as ever (sarcasm intended). It feels kinda funny wandering around a university when you're no longer a student there - or anywhere, for that matter. Plus, I have a job, an official job. Just don't feel...grown-up, yet here I am. Totally dig my job, though. I've settled into a nice little routine there. Some people hate routines, but I cherish them. I like things that run like clockwork. Nice. Dependable. Love it when I get into a groove. I like predictable. Not all the time, mind you, because of course, variety is the spice of life, but overall, I like knowing where I'm headed. Saves me from unexpected collisions. My boss is letting me anchor the news now - Thursday afternoons regularly, and he wants to try me out on Monday evenings. Filled in one evening and met this horrid male anchor who I just wanted to kick. He was so prissy and stuck-up. God, I hate people like that. Thank goodness, most of the time, my co-anchor is none other than my boss. Aside from the fact that he reeks of cigarette smoke, likes to say "Yeah" a lot, refers to women as chicks, drops the "g" off one too many gerunds, and once called someone a "buttnut" (no joke), he's passable. I like that he seemingly lets everything slide off his back. Cool as a cucumber. Probably coz he's well...don't know, but I wish I could let things fall off me like that. Such a Zen-like thing. Not me, I take everything to heart. Not so much as of late, but I still suffer from it. Sigh. Goldfinger is now embarking on his thesis, and ergo, will have less time for me, so I anticipate some sulky moments in the near future. Bracing myself for that.
Final thought: Teflon. Reminds me of something Monika said...I think it was about Tony Blair, but don't remember exactly. I miss my friends!
The importance of the trivial
Once read that a good blogger should never post about what they had for lunch or stuff like that, that it's too trivial to waste anyone's time with. Well, guess what - I enjoy knowing what people had for lunch. I myself had a very relaxed lunch of noodles with my parents at home. It was a day of small activities, but I enjoyed it. Spent the day organizing my workspace. A cluttered work area is only acceptable to me when I'm in busy mode; once I switch out, having to stare at a pile of papers is torture. So I broke out my feather duster and went to town. The rest of the day, I put my audio capture software to work and hummed Christmas carols. I love Christmas, though in Thailand, it's kinda hard to get in the spirit, what with the lack of snow and because it's boiling hot. Okay, so what do snow and cold have to do with Christmas, anyhow, right? It just doesn't feel like Christmas to me without the imminent threat of frostbite and the chance to sculpt snowmen. Sigh. We make do. See, it is the little things that make something special.
Final thought: Thank God for small things.
I suck...
I went back to doing origami. Not the one thousand paper cranes, but just simple things. It's the one thing guaranteed to calm me down. Just a few folds, and I feel this wonderful calm descend over me. With my best friend out of the country, I seriously need things to calm me. When she was here, she was my sounding board. I love my family, but there are some things I would never discuss with them - mostly coz they'd tease me for being a dork. When I feel bad, it's like this horrible lump in my throat that I can't swallow, but then it drops to the pit of my stomach and makes me feel like fainting. Sometimes I cry. Crying makes me feel even worse, but it's a release on its own. I feel extra-bad today. I was supposed to go out with my friend, but my parents took me and my bro out shopping for plants and then to lunch and time just ran away from me and all of sudden, there was no way I was gonna make it on time. I felt soooo horrible, not that that means anything or makes anything better. I'm not much for flaking, but things were just outta my hands today. I think they were angry, but unlike me, they're not much for emotion. Anyhow, I felt awful and cried a bit, which made me angry at myself. So I decided to do some more origami. It's much more constructive than feeling bad. Doesn't mean I don't feel completely low. It's totally my fault and they had to go out of their way to make the appointment, and I've been an awful friend lately, so selfish and unreasonable and all sorts of other awful stuff...sometimes I think at least half of the toxicity in my life is of my own making.
Final thought: Maybe I'm so screwed up, I don't deserve friends.
Reflections on a bowl of mashed potatoes
Last night, because my brother was going to go away on a business trip today, I decided to make him mashed potatoes. He loves them, but I find them tedious to prepare, mostly coz I'm not very good at peeling potatoes. It took me a whole hour to prep and another hour and a bit to actually make, during which I burned two fingers and strained my arm. Labor of love, you know? Anyhow, I made a whole large bowl and we ended up eating about a third of it at dinner. That was fine, I thought my mom would probably heat it up again for breakfast (yes, my family is big on leftovers). Guess what? The entire bowl spoiled overnight. The whole darn thing, a little more than a kilogram of potatoes and two and a half hours of my life, two fingers and a painful arm - and the thing was absolutely unedible this morning. It's such a fitting metaphor for my life. Put in all this time and effort and attention, only to be left with a steaming pile of nothing. I was furious to say the least, but live realistically is my motto now and the reality is, rage is an impotent emotion. You can be as angry as you want, it's not going to change anything unless you translate that into action. I get angry all the time, for what? There must be something about me, that people think they can walk all over me and lie to me and treat me bad, and still somehow believe I'll be waiting for them like an obedient dog. It could be because I hold onto things and people so strongly I end up hurting myself. I'm loyal. If nothing else, I am loyal. If someone gains my loyalty, that's it, I'm theirs. It's pretty pathetic, but I believe in sticking with someone to the end of the world. That's how I define love, that's how I define friendship. Could be why the heinous believe they can kick me around and I won't leave. That was true - then. But this is now. The more I look, the more I realize most things in life are under your control. The control may not be complete, but at the very least my reaction to situations is something I have a fix on. I can choose to let my emotions get the better of me - as they have for the better part of my life - or I can decide that enough is enough and take things in hand. Why should I pledge my loyalty to parties that don't deserve it? If the only thing that keeps me with you is me, what's to stop me from leaving? The answer is nothing, but for so long, I refused to see that. I keep caring, I keep giving (and yes, I take, but I'd like to think in equal amounts), I keep hoping and dedicating, to what avail? I think it's my lot in life to take care of others, but to never be taken care of. Maybe it's my lot in life to never have anyone give me the same level of care as I bestow on others. Some of us are tasked with keeping everything in line. Fact of life. Rule breakers versus rule makers. Rule makers get a bad rep, but it's people like me who keep the world spinning on course. Without rulemakers like me, we wouldn't have concepts like personal hygiene or vaccinations or dry cleaning. And being this kind of person means I'm not so fun, means I'm not such a great person to hang around. That was a sin, somehow, and I've been trying to atone for it for so long. My "live realistically" initiative was the first step in turning the tide. Now I just have to follow through on the tough decisions. I have stop thinking about the time and energy and love and devotion and every other single little thing I've put in and just pull away. Chuck the spoiled mashed potatoes in the trash. Get started on a fresh batch. Or something else entirely.
Final thought: Call me selfish, because I am, but the only person's emotions I can readily deal with at the moment are my own. Is there something fundamentally wrong with that?
My love affair with the ACA audio recorder
Audio capture software. Oh my God. I need to gush. The ACA audio recorder is a godsend. I love listening to streamed music and sometimes I think, "Heck, I wish I could listen to this all the time!" Well, this product gives me that freedom. Call it a symptom of being part of the "me me ME!" generation (come on my fellow twentysomethings, you know we're all narcissists at some points), but sometimes, I just need to listen to one particular song NOW. Sometimes, a girl just needs to have her personalized playlist, you know, even if it consists of just one song. I need to listen to it. And I don't want to have to stream it, especially with my pathetic internet connection (high-speed, my foot, not at peak traffic times). So, what do I do? With the ACA audio recorder, I capture it and voila! If I wanna listen to Jeannie Ortega's Crowded fifteen times in a row, I freakin' can. And it's such a simple interface. Just tell it you wanna record streamed music, press start and you're off. Freakin' beautiful. Me don't like the difficult stuff. Plus it's got a ton of other features so you can record all sorts of audio. Fantastic. Not to sound like I'm plugging or anything, but the ACA audio recorder is so the way to go if you like to have your music on demand. Just my two cents. If you're like me and you have audio capture needs (hehehe, and trust me, with this software, you'll create the need yourself), go to their website (www.acasystems.com) and get cracking!
Final thought: Can it be a playlist if it only has one song on it? All right, off to capture more songs with my ACA audio recorder.