Misery loves company
Been entering data gathered from my trial run with my survey. Tedious work, but exhilirating in a way because oh man, data! Real, actual data to work with! Means I'm closer to finishing my study and getting the heck outta this joint! Well, okay, this joint isn't that bad, but sometimes, familiarity breeds contempt. In this case, with all the nuttiness that has ensued, I'm just a little bit fed up and need a breather from it all. On the plus side, Junie's in town and we may have a lead on the case of our missing friend, Smithi. Went out with her and Goldfinger the other day. Finally got to try out the ice cream place, the Cream and Fudge Factory. Two thumbs up; really creamy, didn't try anything fudge-related, so can't comment on that. Goldfinger has been so good to me lately. More and more I feel that he is the one person remaining in Thailand who truly gets what I'm going through. I am so glad he's at Chula with me, even though he's not in the same program or even on the same side of campus. It still gives me a sense of peace knowing he's suffering as I'm suffering. That sounds awful, but it really helps me cope. Oh, ugh, I'm having what Dean Winchester would call a "chick flick moment". I have a friend who is constantly berating me for being overly emotional. Well, I am. I am emotional. I'm also rational, so I think it evens out, but I do tend to get a bit...oh, I don't know, melodramatic once in a while in my bids for reciprocation of friendship and affection. Sue me. Goldfinger gets that, he humors me most of the time, which is terribly sweet of him.
Final thought: Misery loves company, after all.
20 Random Questions
So, I Googled "random questions" and came up with these. They're kinda fun, I think.
1. When was the last time you cried? Saturday. My best friend left for England.
2. Have you ever danced in the rain? Yes, and I loved it.
3. Do you smoke? No, but I respect that there are people who enjoy that.
4. Are you religious? Not particularly, but I do talk to the Big Guy as much as I can and thank him for stuff.
5. Have you ever written a love letter? Hahaha, yup.
6. Do you consider yourself popular? Heck no!
7. Have you ever seen a dead body? Yes. Anatomy class.
8. Would you ever get a tattoo? I would consider it if I ever got married.
9. Who makes you laugh? My brother is hilarious.
10. Do you have a celebrity crush? Can you say Jensen Ackles?
11. What was your first thought this morning? "It looks like rain."
12. Do you swear too much? I didn't use to, but now I do a bit more and I hate it.
13. What is the welcome message on your cell phone? "Hi baby doll!"
14. Have you ever bitten someone? Oh, yeah!
15. Do you like surprises? Only the good kind.
16. Have you ever cut your own hair? Once. It was not pretty.
17. What did you dream last night? A bit too NC-17 for this blog.
18. Do you wear a thong? Heck, no! I do not cherish the thought of a daily wedgie.
19. Do you think you're attractive? Pass!
20. Have you ever seen a falling star? Oh, yeah! And I wished on it!
Final thought: Random questions, me likey.
Why he should have left me
Was reading through my diary today. Noted many entries about Mr. Heartbreaker. Recalled with a sense of disgust all the times he made me mad. I tried so many times to leave him. The thing with me is, in all honesty, I get to a point in almost every relationship where I make an assessment and figure out if it's more viable for me to run or to push the other person away or attempt a combination of both. See, it's so much easier to run or force the other person out than it is to stay and wait for them to leave you. It hurts much less. I learned that lesson a long time ago, when I got hurt by my so-called elementary school friends. Of course, I've been lucky in that some people have come after me. "Lucky" applies to those people who came after me and the relationship became better, stronger. I want people to come after me, I think it proves their allegiance. It's a good thing. That adjective does not apply, however, to what happened with Mr. Heartbreaker. He came after me, true...but sometimes I think it would've been better if he hadn't, if he'd just left me. Then I wouldn't have all these memories to torment me. He should have left me so that I wouldn't have all these scenes in my head that torture me and drive me crazy at random times. I suspect he only came after me for selfish reasons (still unknown to me, and probably always a mystery), not because he actually cared about me, about keeping me in his life. It was always all about him, and I was tricked into thinking this was okay, that as long as he was happy, I could be happy too. Lies. Relationships are two-way streets, I know that now. I'm wiser now, and it won't ever happen again. He should have left me because I stayed for all the wrong reasons. I know better now, but the memories... I'll always be cursed with them. Too many of them, because he didn't leave me earlier.
Final thought: Maybe I remembered this quote wrong, but it goes - "The leaves of memory make a mournful rustle in the dark."
Reasonably judgemental
Okay, I just had to blog about this because...well, okay, here's the gist: it's an internet dating website, and this is from its About Us page - "[site] is an elite online members' club, which introduces beautiful people to truly beautiful people. It is a meeting place which is reserved for people, who because of their attractive appearance and personal qualities, stand out from the majority. It is a place where attractive people can mingle and create personal or professional related acquaintances across age, gender, job and social status." I am not making this up. This is an actual website. It's not very politically correct, is it? And you know what - that's kinda cool. Don't get me wrong. I like political correctness, the spirit of it anyway. I'm probably misquoting him or her, but someone once wrote that political correctness is simply a very serious attempt to be polite. But as with any good idea, there are always people who take it to extremes and as a result, some good ideas get a bad name. History is littered with examples. Anyhow, I'm going off on a tangent. You know, having been a long-standing member of the cosmetically different going on twenty-three years now, I admit honestly that it hasn't always been a picnic. Add to that the fact that I've been an administrator of the full-figured force and you pretty much get the gist of my life - people are always saying to not judge a book by its cover, but believe me, not everyone takes that to heart. That being said, I also have to say that when it comes to being judgemental, I am the exemplar. I think we all have our things. If anything, my life has taught me that stereotypes are the worst form of hatred. It's hating someone just because someone somewhere formed a false impression of certain of their characteristics, and a bunch of lemmings refused to check their facts. So, although I have a tendency to be judgemental, I always base my impressions on actual meetings, short though they may be. It may sound like a complete crock, but I always try to instill a modicum of rationality into my judgementalist ways. I base my judgement on facts - okay, so not always the full gamut of facts, but facts nonetheless. If I'm going to dislike someone, I'm going to dislike him or her based on what he or she has actually done. If someone was going to not like me, I would hope I'd be afforded the same justice.
Final thought: Remember - you might be the pot calling the kettle black.
Cotton Candy says...
I brought Cotton Candy, the pink stuffed monkey I got for my last birthday, out to my work area. He's good company - quiet and cuddly. Is it weird that I like talking to stuffed toys? I like thinking that they're saying things to me. I feel a bit like being sick; got a throbbing headache I think is part stress, part staring too long at this flickering screen. My whole life seems to revolve around this computer nowadays. I work on it, I play on it, I communicate with people on it. It's become a permanent fixture of my life and I think it's slowly killing me. Bit of a debacle last night, too tired to go into it but my best friend lost her cell phone and I ended up having to call England and boy, that university of hers employs some cranky people. Goldfinger messaged me, doing his take-home exam. He's the one person who truly understands what I'm going through right now, because we're in the same leaky boat. God bless him. We're kindred. Well, Cotton Candy is telling me I've said enough nothing for one night and that I should abandon all hope of getting any work done (as if I was working!) and go to bed, sleep off this headache. Guess I'd better listen to him. He's been a bit forceful since the day I got him - takes after the person who gave him to me, I suppose. There's a thought, that inanimate objects take after their owners.
Final thought: She's talking to stuffed animals! The spiral of insanity beckons.
Reflections on a friendless self
My best friend left yesterday morning. It was one of those moments that dances the cusp between sad and joyful - sad, because, yes, she's going to be away for one whole year, but also joyful, because she's worked so hard to get here and I'm so proud of her and happy she's starting on this new chapter of her life. I tried my best to keep it together and did, for a quite a long while; in fact, I was okay all through a snooker game and a subsequent game of bowling, but afterwards, I went to the bathroom and had a bit of a cry. I don't think anyone noticed. Afterwards, I felt drained and lonely and begged one of my friends to stay with me, which was kind of pathetic and I regretted it almost as soon as I said it, but my parents were out and so was my brother and there was no one home. I know I should've gone home and tried to do some work, but my heart just wasn't in it. I wonder sometimes why I am in such constant need of attention and affection. It could be coz I've always been surrounded by it; it's like how if you're born and raised in a tropical country, you get used to and maybe even a little addicted to the warmth and when you're somewhere cold, you pray for the heat. My family is extremely close. I'm very attached to my parents and despite having the sneaking suspicion that I love him more than he loves me, I'm very attached to my brother. All my life, I've had these anchors of love and they've turned into my touchstones and when I decide to love someone else, like a friend, I transfer that same amout of dedication to him or her and become similarly attached to them. But see, people have to come and go and when that happens, I get a bit thrown. It takes a bit to adjust. I've been thinking about this personality trait of mine, musing over it. Went out to Ayutthaya today; it was the seven-year anniversary of my grandmother's passing and my father's family requested a mass for her and afterwards, we all got together and did what my family does best - eat and gossip. I was sitting there and I looked up at this portrait of my grandmother; it got me thinking of something my mother told me once. Right about the time I was born, my grandmother wrote my mom and asked her to send me to Thailand for her to raise. This isn't a particularly odd thing; a few of my parents' friends did that with their kids. My mother didn't want that for me though, so I stayed with her and my dad in the States. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if my mom had decided to do as my grandmother asked; how would that have shaped my personality? Would I still be who I am? Would I get so attached to people that I'm constantly gunning for attention and crying at their departure? It's sad, but I didn't know my grandmother that well. My Thai was horrible when she was still alive and even if it hadn't been, I think my brother and I were always a bit of a mystery to her. She loved us, that much I knew, but other than that, the two things I knew about my grandmother were - she was fiercely dedicated to her religion and her kids. She once pushed my father out of the way of an oncoming car and suffered permanent damage to her thigh that always caused her to limp a bit. I can't really say I'm like her in the first respect - I'm not what anyone would call religious, though I try to talk to the Big Guy as often as I can and thank Him for all that I have. But as for the second aspect - maybe being overly attached to people is a family trait, or maybe it's my manifestation of the family habit of caring fiercely and loyally. Anyhow, I think it makes me a bit pathetic and I'm going to stop, because my best friend is gone now and it's up to me to keep my own sanity in check.
Final thought: From Dinah Maria Mulock Craik, A Life for a Life: "The blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearless on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."
Best friend is off to England!
Best friend is leaving tomorrow! Can hardly believe it. I'm happy for her and proud of her, but of course, I'm sad. Without her around, I'll be plenty lonely. She's the one I called up when I was this close to driving myself into a mental asylum. She's talked me off figurative ledges a dozen times. She's the one who got me the most. We don't even have to speak sometimes; a look is enough to convey our thoughts. She knows almost all my deep, dark secrets and amazingly, she's still around. I know we'll keep in touch, but it won't really be exactly the same, when I could call her up or she could call me with the latest crisis. I'm going to have to try and keep myself grounded for the time she's gone.
Final thought: Tomorrow!
Humiliation and hate
Despite circumstances, my life (and it appears, every other Thai citizen's life) is going on as usual. My own insignificant life is now at the forefront of my consciousness. My best friend is leaving on Saturday. She helped keep me sane and now that job will be left solely to me, so I will be constantly dancing on the edge of madness. I went a little nuts today. I was humiliated this evening, caught red-handed, by the exact same person, doing the exact same thing. I couldn't have been more embarrassed than if I'd been a six-year-old caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Later, I went hysterical. I've been getting hysterical a lot lately. Too much stress, I suppose, too much stress coupled with a feeling of deep inadequacy. I have a pretty healthy self-image, but there are most definitely days I look in the mirror and really can't stand the girl I see looking back at me. Sometimes, I just need an added bit of attention to reassure myself, and I become an imbecile about trying to extract it. I'm tired, mostly, and sick of myself, but I suppose, like my country, I'll be okay.
Final thought: Tired, stuck and bored...my brother wrote a song about that once, and I get what it means now.
There was a coup last night in Thailand!
Oh God, you read about this stuff but you never think you'll be living through it. Last night, at almost eleven, the armed forces and the police staged a coup. Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra was out of the country, getting ready to address the UN General Assembly in New York. I was taking a shower and when I came out, my brother had had my mother switch from her Thai soap to CNN. "What's going on?" I asked my mom and brother. "I don't know but there are tanks all over Bangkok," said my bro. Now, you have to understand something about Thailand and living in Thailand and being Thai - we have a lot of coups. No, seriously, this country has seen more coups than a jar of honey has seen flies. The last one was a couple of years ago, yeah, but still - revolution is in our blood. Anyhow, there have been rumors of a coup for a few weeks. Even I, the most apolitical of girls, have heard them. Suffice to say, a lot of the country was not pleased with our PM. Well, this really radical journalist was gonna stage a huge, country-wide protest or something such like that around today. So, I guess a lot of people realized it might come down to violence and so the army/police decided to step in. Man, were things hectic last night. All the TV stations were shut down and filled with images of His Majesty the King. My family was switching between CNN and BBC to get the news, since Thai TV wasn't telling us anything, but that was shut off a bit later. It was official. It was a coup d'etat, but at that point, we weren't sure who or what was behind it. I went to bed around midnight, wondering what the heck was going to happen. I was supposed to go into university today, but thank God I had the foresight to call up my friend (at six in the morning, I should be shot!) and she told me it'd been declared a national holiday. All businesses, schools, banks and the stock exchange had been shut down for the day. So, I had a free day today - not as good as it could be, all things considered, but despite what some of the foreign news services have been saying, things are pretty quiet here. Calm, peaceful - even playful. People have been going down and supporting the troops that are keeping order in Bangkok; some chick even tied a yellow ribbon onto some soldier's gun! (Yellow is the king's color, by the way.) Things are well for the time being. Okay, so in a democratic country we shouldn't have a) coups, bloodless or otherwise and b) freedom of the press should reign, regardless. Cutting off CNN and BBC was not a good move, but I can see how they might not have wanted things to get out of control. Things were just barely contained last night; "confusion" was the word in the air, not revolution. I can't tell you how chill the Thais are taking this. I went out to breakfast and people were milling around the mall, getting on with their lives as usual. It's like we didn't experience a coup last night, as if we're not living through history. Makes me think history is just another day out of our lives. Significance is in hindsight.
Final thought: Sometimes the business of living gets in the way of life.
Snakes on a plane
I'm trying to retain my optimism. Listen to Launchcast. Eat some candy. Organize my folders (orderliness lifts my spirits). Snakes on a plane, however. Here's the stuff that has been going wrong for me:
1) Data collection has been pushed back a whole freakin' week because it turned out my survey was useless.
2) My best friend is going off to another continent!
3) Found out I have to late-register for graduation and have to pay a 1000 baht fine for the privilege of doing so.
4) Printer ran out of ink at critical moment so now must sneak around behind TA's back to print for free at school.
5) Totally, utterly unmotivated.
6) Parents have now effectively banned me from eating pork coz some guy ate some and went blind and deaf.
7) I'm high maintenance!
8) No one's maintaining me!
9) Saw myself on a video shot during my peer teaching session and I am FAT!
10) Am wasting my time with this blog instead of my work.
Final thought: This too shall pass, right? Yeah, that's really realistic.
Me like Launchcast
Been listening to Launchcast a lot this week. Helps keep me calm. Love that service. It always introduces me to new songs that quickly become the latest additions to my playlist. A quick sampling:
1) London Bridge, Fergie
Heard this way back before it was widely released and was raving about it to all my friends weeks before it hit the airwaves. Totally danceable, silly lyrics, a voice that is this close to being annoying - it's got it all. Fave lyrics? I'm such a lady, but I'm dancing like a ho.
2) Promiscuous, Nelly Furtado
Gotta say, I like this new look on Nelly Furtado. She went from "I'm like a bird" to "I'm like a total babe" and it works somehow. Great song. Timbaland is hot right now, might as well utilize him while he's on a roll. Fave lyrics? You expect me to just let you hit it/ But will you still respect me if you get it?
3) Just the Girl, The Click Five
Okay, so they're practically screaming out "one-hit wonder", but at the very least, this group has delivered one song that I'm crazy about. It sounds a little like it was written during a boring period of freshman biology, but hey, it's a silly little ditty that gets stuck in your head for a few hours, no harm done. Fave lyrics? She's cold and she's cruel but she knows what she's doing.
4) When You're Mad, Ne-Yo
Okay, so his name sounds like some guy completely confused as to how to greet someone named Nelly, but this is a funny song. Complete BS, but a good song. The first time I heard it, I laughed out loud, coz it sounds like he just cobbled some stuff together after a fight with his girl in a bid to get make-up nooky. Works, though. Fave lyrics? Baby, don't think I don't take you seriously/ But I just can't help the fact that your attitude excites me (so exciting)/And you know ain't nothing better/Then when we get mad together and have angry sex (I'll blow you out)/Then we forget what we were mad about.
5) Where'd You Go, Fort Minor
Melancholy bit of music. Have no idea what he's rapping about, but I'm thinking it's also gloomy. Fave lyrics? Where'd you go?/I miss you so/Seems like it's been forever/That you've been gone.
6) Walk Away, Kelly Clarkson
Heard that a lot of Kelly Clarkson fans are totally against this song, but what's wrong with it? Sure, it's a bit more riotgrrl than usual for her, but hey, we all get to that point at least once in our lives. God knows I feel this way about Mr. Heartbreaker. Pure bravado, of course, once they walk away you're shattered and spend the rest of the year picking up the broken pieces of yourself. Fave lyrics? Lovin' you has made me this way/So before you point your finger/Get your hands off of my trigger.
7) Call Me When You're Sober, Evanescence
Never thought I'd like Evanescence, but Launchcast pretty much changed that. I really the lyrics to this one. I remember feeling this way. It sucked, but I also believe that relationships are taking the good, the bad and the ugly, so this song is kinda selfish, but I like it anyway. Fave lyrics? Don't cry to me/If you loved me/You would be here with me/You want me/Come find me/Make up your mind.
8) Crowded, Jeannie Ortega
So in-your-face, me like. Fave lyrics? Why don’t you get out of my life/ Get out of my sight/Get off of my back.
9) (When You Gonna) Give It Up to Me, Sean Paul
Danceable. That's about it. Oh, and me like Sean Paul's voice, makes me think of being splashed in hot chocolate (minus the third-degree burns, of course). Fave lyrics? Er, I'd have some if I actually knew what was being said.
10) Show Stopper, Danity Kane
I really just like to dance. This is a dance ditty. Therefore, I like it. Some bit of nonsense about cruising around and whatnot, but I could care less. It's got a nice beat and I can throw down to it. Fave lyrics? We in the car/We ride slow/We doing things that girls don't do.
11) Fightin' Over Me, Paris Hilton
Man, this is totally embarrassing. The first time I heard this song coz my best friend bought the album and we had a good laugh over it. Then Launchcast played it and I was hooked. Something so enthralling about this girl's audacity. She's like that girl in high school you just wanted to kick really hard. Now that I'm sorta grown up though, all I can do is grin, it's just so pathetic. And danceable. Let's not forget that. Fave lyrics? Every time I turn around the boys fighting over me/Every time I step out the house they want to fight over me/Maybe coz I'm hot to death and I'm so so so sexy/All the boys all the silly boys they want to fight over me.
12) SexyBack, Justin Timberlake
The man sure knows how to come out with a hit. It's a bit jarring to listen to at first, you get this disconcerting feeling there's something not quite right with the beat but you soon get into the groove and wham! Another hit for Jus. T. More Timbaland, of course. Reminds me of the Thai saying - "While the water's up, fill your bowls". Yes, I do believe the hardest working music producer is doing just that, what with Nelly Furtado and J. Tim. His sound is in! Fave lyrics? Dirty babe/You see these shackles, baby, I'm your slave/I'll let you whip me if I misbehave.
Final thought: My playlist just keeps growing. Damn you Launchcast!
My best friend is leaving! Another crisis!
My best friend is going off to grad school in England in less than a week! Goldfinger and I went shopping for going-away gifts on Wednesday evening after classes. I haven't seen him in awhile; he's turned into a real workaholic. I couldn't pick out anything, but he brought a really nice brown and cream scarf/shawl. I was pleasantly surprised, I thought it was an excellent choice. She always gets cold (she used to sleep with her air conditioning turned up to 27 degrees Celsius, ugh) and brown is one of her favorite colors. Underneath that quiet sarcasm is a mind attuned to the fine details, I suppose. Sigh. She's gonna be gone for a whole year. Who the heck am I gonna call up with the latest crisis? Well, I've been trying to minimize the amount of crises, at any rate. Living my life more based in reality and not my conception of how things ought to be - really more helpful than I thought it would be. I still sulk, but I like to think that I wasn't bad as I was before. I still get angry really easily, but nowadays I ask myself, "Are you sure you wanna go ballistic over this?" Doesn't mean I always succeed, but I think I've been a very good girl lately. Definitely toned down the melodrama. But with my best friend on a totally different continent, how the heck will I deal?
Final thought: Crisis is just another word for drama.
A bit of unreality
What is up with men and accepting stuff that you don't want to? I said I would live more realistically, and I am, but that doesn't mean I won't hold onto things in the most illogical of ways. I've been missing Mr. Heartbreaker something fierce the last couple of days. It's this physical feeling that just grabbed hold of me like some killer in the dark. Of course, a certain guy friend was like, "Why can't you just let it go?" He's right, of course. I should, but it's the one unreasonable thing I plan to cling to and why not? I'm not bothering him, I'm not hurting anyone, just myself. I haven't called or messaged him or anything. I'm just here, being completely in love with him from afar. It's the most unrealistic thing in my life right now, but I guess that's better than before, when my whole life was just one big dip in non-acceptance of the truth.
Final thought: I miss him, and it hurts, but I got other things to work on.
Not angry anymore but...
My anger has more or less subsided, and without it, my life is pretty calm, for which I am immensely thankful. I don't like being angry, it just happens. My anger is a tangible thing, flares up inside me like hungry flames and consumes everything. I've written that I have a hot temper; I think it's genetic, my whole family is pretty hot-headed. We throw things and scream and stomp our feet and slam doors. It's amazing we haven't sustained more injuries. Fury is my best friend. Anyhow, I'm tuckered out from being in a state of agitation all week. The involved parties have more or less resolved things, but bitterness remains, though I'm dealing. If they have to take me for what I am, I suppose I'll have to take them for what they are as well.
Final thought: Type A, that's what I am. A for Anna, how fitting.
Beat myself up
A lot of people have said a lot of things that have really made me sit down and reflect on my own behavior this week. I look in the mirror and I don't like the girl staring back at me, and I think the reason why these statements got to me is because they got to the heart of why I don't particularly adore myself at this moment. In combination with stress and ever-mounting panic over my studies, I'm a little bit of a wreck right now. Still, doesn't mean I should drag other people down to the depths with me. My anger is all and good, but I don't want it start hurting the people I care about. Like, my mother said, "You're so much more belligerent now." This was after after I raised my voice over some silly issue I barely even recall now. I've been raising my voice a lot lately; I'm a naturally loud person, so when I raise my voice, its slightly below the decibel level allotted to fighter jets. It's not just that, but I'm so combative lately, I take everything to heart. It's like I'm always game for a fight. My best friend noted, "Nowadays, you get irritated so easily." I've always been a naturally moody person, but my best friend was right. Anything and almost everything sets me off lately. These are people I love, and yet I channel all my negative energy onto them. I feel pathetic. Like nothing I do is quite right. I care and I'm accused of being too attached. I don't care and I'm accused of being cold. I can't seem to strike a balance. I just need to get off this planet for awhile, I think, away from all the noise, but how can you escape the chorus of negativity when it resides in your own head? It's not very realistic, but I wish I could go off into a forest and just...breathe. I feel like being here, I'm not doing anyone any favors. I feel unloved; I know I don't love myself very much right now, and that makes me lash out. I keep feeling like, "What the hell?!?" Sometimes, I wish I could just step out of my body and give myself a good, hard shake. Slap some sense into myself. Yell at myself - "Work! Research doesn't write itself!", "Stop caring so damn much about others! They don't give a damn about you!", "Don't pick up that phone!", "Don't say that!", "Don't you get it already? They don't CARE about you! GET OVER IT ALREADY!" Yeah, I'd probably end up beating myself to a pulp, all the dumb stuff I've been doing lately.
Final thought: I'm still on course with living my life realistically, eyes wide open. Hurts like hell, but doesn't truth always sting a bit?
Prayer of Serenity
Prayer of Serenity
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Final thought: Sometimes, all you can do is leave it up to the Big Guy.
Leaving the dream
I dreamed of cold last night. Cold so piercing my fingertips turned blue. Or was that today, as I was being baked alive by the ferocious sun? It was a wish, then, not a dream. "A dream is a wish your heart makes" - snippets of that childhood song enter my mind. Seems I've been living my life half in my head for a long while now. I'm only at this moment shaking out the glitter and star-sparkle of fantasy and re-entering the realm of reality. And it hurts. Not that the fantasy was much better - no, fantasy is not the word, hopeful blindness would be more appropriate. I deliberately shut my eyes in the staunch hope that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't right. Unfortunately, I am and at this point, nothing short of a massive restructuring of reality can convince me otherwise.
Final thought: Optimism is for the lucky ones. Truth is for the rest of us.
Angry, but not completely
My anger hasn't completely subsided. Guess it's a bit like a forest fire, embers of it remain, but it isn't the raging inferno it was yesterday. It's not that it burned itself out; my personality is not like that. Some people, when they fly into a rage, give them a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, and they're fine. Not so for me. My anger feeds on itself, growing larger and stronger and more deadly with the passing of time. The only remedy is to attack it immediately. In the event of a fight, I need no "cooling-off" period. I want to break it down right then and there. I think I'm the minority, because most people seem to prefer going to separate corners and letting off some steam before regrouping. Leaving a fight just angers me more. Of course, life is a compromise and to survive, you must evolve. So, sometimes, with a select few, I will actually be the one to initiate a reconciliation. My attempt, of course, eases my rage up a few notches, but being placated evens things out and sometimes, I'll feel okay right away. Sometimes, like today, my anger will taper off, but fragments of it remain. The revelations of my life remain however, and I meant what I said - I'm going to live my life more realistically. I'm going to pay attention to reality, and try not to sugarcoat things too much. I'm still working on cutting off my emotions from others, but it's hard to break a lifetime habit.
Final thought: Isn't there any phrase that's softer than "F*ck off" that I can employ? That's what I'm feeling in any case, but I don't feel the need to swear.
New slant on life
Breaking again my cardinal rule of not posting more than once a day, but I've been doing a lot of thinking, the culmination of a whole week of thinking and I just have to get it all down; if you're not interested in reading the disjointed rant of a girl who doesn't know what the heck is up, then I'm sorry to have led you this far. Take care and God bless. Okay, if you've stuck this far, get ready to have no freakin' idea what I'm on about, coz these are pretty nutty, personal issues, the details of which I'm not sure I want to divulge, but I'm going to vent anyhow. Revelation would the word for this week. Ever play connect-the-dots as a kid? I never really liked that game, I always preferred hidden word searches and things like that. Think that's reflected in my personality - I'm always trying to find the concealed, analyzing what's not said or done, sometimes ignoring completely what actually is said or done. Maybe coz when I was a kid, I didn't like to connect the dots, I'm having such a hard time applying the concept to real life now that I'm all grown up. Clues are right there in front my face; as the saying goes, if it were a snake, if would've bit me. I said this morning I have to start living my life more realistically. I do. I see the truth in people because I've lived my life on the sidelines for so long. All I've done is observe, and for better or worse, I'm good at weaseling out what lies just beneath the surface. When the answers are as plain as the nose on my face, however, it gets a tad more difficult for me. I blame that tendency of mine to look beyond the exterior for why it took me so long to realize the truth of this latest chapter of my life. In short, I realized the con slightly slow, but better late than never, right? And as I've said, I always try to hope that I'm wrong. Sometimes I get a gut feeling about something right from the get-go, but the little optimist in me (and she is very little, but pretty assertive) convinces me to quell my fears and give people the benefit of the doubt. Well, screw the benefit of the doubt, I think the occurences of this past week of my life have more than kicked the usefulness of thinking that people are inherently good off the curb and ran it over with an 18-wheeler. I would say I'm hurt, but I've gotten past that point. You can only hurt so much before you're numbed completely. I want to cry, but I've wasted enough tears and what good does it do anyone, least of all myself? I'd like to scream, but again, what's the use? Most of all, I'd like to stop being so angry - angry at the world, my life, the villains in it, and most of all myself, for getting myself mired in this mess and being too idiotic to even realize it before it's almost too late. I don't have the time right now, I don't have the energy. I'm sick of being so upset all the time, so down. I don't want to live my life needing other people's validation, that's a recipe for pain. I keep investing my feelings into people who don't give a damn about me. I live my life trying to please everyone in it, and yes, I fall short of the mark, many times, but it's an effort and I always thought it was noble in its own way. Well, guess what? If you defer yourself all the time, people start to think of you as a bit of doormat and what do people do with doormats? Walk all over them. You're relegated to second place, pinch-hitter. You're the one they call up when all their other options are unavailable, because they know you're so accommodating. You're not worth any more than a cheap pair of rubber flip-flops you buy on vacation and toss as soon as you come home. I've lived my life as a pinch-hitter for too long and I won't stand for it any longer, why should I? You're worth what you make yourself worth. Cheapen yourself and you're cheap; toughen up and make people realize your value or give them their walking papers, no matter how much it might hurt you. It's not like I haven't warned every person I've ever known I'm a few apples shy of a barrel and cruel. I think that goes without saying. That doesn't mean I don't deserve to be treated well, right? Doesn't everyone deserve at least that? Well, I've been shabbily treated and I've been banging my head against a wall, attempting to figure out what it was about me that let to it and you know what? Whatever it is about me, it doesn't matter. It's my life, they're my emotions. I'm sick of having it all tied up with other people. I'm not an easy person to get along with. I'm angry, vindictive, I never let anything go. I'm shrill and emotionally needy and sometimes, I say the absolute worse things. But it's a package. That's me. Take it or leave it and seriously speaking, I couldn't give a damn over who wants to leave it. I wish them the best of luck. I'm sure you'll be better off without me anyhow. I bear no one any ill will, it's just the way the dice were cast. I've been left more times than I can count, but I've always preservered. If tomorrow, everyone were to leave me, I'd feel sad, of course, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised. It's happened before, it's happening now and it's going to happen again. This probably sounds a bit defeatist, but I assure you, it's not. This is me, turning over a new emotional leaf - as I mentioned this morning, there are a lot of things I have to begin accepting and I will. Not tomorrow, not next week, right now, this very second. I got a wake-up call, and I've been ignoring it, but no longer. I'm up, I'm awake. I've connected the dots. Time for this girl to face facts.
Final thought: This is not a cry for help or attention. I've had enough of that. Never again.
Accept It
I've got to start living my life more realistically. I've always tried to be a pragmatic person, but I do have one (or two) tragic flaws that prevent this goal - I'm eternally hoping that I'm wrong. And it's simply not so. The fact is, and this is going to sound way too egotistical, but I'm often right. Not about everything, mind you, but about people, unless I really close my eyes and try to justify their actions, I can see the truth in all its vivid clarity. It hurts sometimes; God, who am I kidding, it always hurts! When you accept things as they are, they tend to change the very dynamics of your life. Here are some things I'm going to work on accepting (just add it to the already-teetering pile of my academic and mental work).
1) There's something about me that inherently drives people away. Now the question to ask myself is: do I work on changing this or say "F*ck off" and get on with my life? I choose the latter, mostly coz I don't think it's any one thing about me, it's a combo of such things, and I don't have the energy to catalogue every little aspect and work on it. Too tiring and ultimately, what does it change in my life? Only me, that's right. It's still up to the other person, and that's a gamble no matter what cards you bring to the table.
2) I have to stop being such a darn open book! It seems I tell everyone everything. It's not that I can't keep my mouth shut, but in the end, I don't feel I have anything to hide. This blog is Exhibit A of that fact. I think this cheapens me, somehow, that it makes people think - hey, you know what, whatever, she'll just blog/tell me about it about it anyway, I don't have to work at trying to figure out what's wrong with her.
3) The sensitive heart is the wounded heart. I gotta toughen up. You wanna ignore me on MSN? Yeah, whatever. You wanna lie to me? Sure, it's all cool. You wanna keep making me feel like I'm just the dolphin that got caught in the tuna net? Say hello to SupremeAnna, the Dolphin. People look at me and because I'm so large and rounded, they think, "Oh, she's tough." In matter of fact, I get hurt very easily; it's something to do with my skin being stretched so tight over my bones, I think.
4) I'm better off alone. By "alone" here, I mean I don't have to maintain relationships that suck my time, energy and emotion; I should work on cultivating only those that work. Pretty common-sense, but you can't imagine how much of me is wasted on people and things that don't deserve even a fifth of me. I'm not a girl who's scared to be by herself or only with a few people. I'd get lost in a crowd. So why should I hold onto people/things that only bring me down? I have to stop caring about people who don't care about me.
5) I must stop trying to get people to indulge my constant need for self-worth affirmation. Newsflash: no one can make you feel worth it if you're not! It's funny, because at home, I get constant affirmation that I'm worth something, but it's like it's not enough for me - I always need to know exactly where I stand with people and it's the devil! To say I always want to be number one for everyone isn't putting it precisely; it's more like, once I feel assured that I'm worth something to someone, then I can relax and not feel pressure anymore, pressure to force them to pander to my narcissim. It's horrible when I feel like my self-worth is low, because you get me wanting to hear that I'm worth something, or shown and for God's sakes, other people aren't ringmasters that can conjure up a three-ring circus just to show that they care about me at the drop of a hat! I have to sort out who really does and doesn't care about me, then I won't have to keep baiting people into making me feel better. It's exhausting.
Final thought: I've just got to fix my warped vision, and I'll be okay. Accept life as it really is, not how I wish it were. And before you ask, no, this is not a plea for pity or sympathy or anything, it's just a rant. That's what blogs are good for, huh?