Filler post AKA Yet more stuff you never needed to know about me
Yet another of those silly surveys that I love using as fillers for when I am a) too tired to actually blog anything worth reading, b) have no good ideas for a post, or c) have an idea for a post, but think I'd better save it for another time. One of those three reasons - but the same result, which I present to you now.
1. What's your full name? Anna (I don't give out my last name, sorry)
2. What time did you get up this morning? A little after 5:30 a.m.
3. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds (my birthstone)
4. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Snakes on a Plane
5. What is your favorite TV show? The X-Files (all-time), Supernatural (current)
6. What did you have for breakfast? Leftovers
7. What is your favorite food? Fried chicken
8.What foods do you dislike? Liver (ick)
9.Your favorite potato chip? Plain, ridged potato chips
10. What is in your CD player right now? Mixed CD of songs I like
11. What kind of car do you drive? Don't drive
12.What characteristics do you despise? Lots, but I'd have to say being full of yourself - that just totally ticks me off
13. If you could go anywhere on vacation where would you go? Greece or Egypt (tied)
14. Favorite time of day? Late afternoon, I get my kick on then
15. Where were you born? Illinois
16. Coke or Pepsi? Coke, dur
17. What did you want to do when you were younger? Save the world from danger
18. What is your best childhood memory? Hmmm...most of them
19. Nicknames? Baby (short for "baby elephant')
20. Number and location of piercings? One in each ear
21. Eye color? Black
22. Ever been toilet papering? Nope
23. Been in a car accident? None too serious
24. Favorite restaurant? None
25. Favorite flower? Sunflowers
26. Last person you went to dinner with? My family
27. What is your favorite color? Black
28. Do you have any tattoos? If yes how many? None
29. Which store would you max out your credit card? Kinokuniya Book Store
30. Did you learn anything from taking this survey? Sure, that I am a total narcissist!
Final thought: And yet, I still don't like myself very much. Go figure.
Reading into my life
A long time ago, I abandoned someone I shouldn't have...Someone I loved more than anything else. I was afraid someday I'd lose this person. So I had to let go myself. If he was going to be stolen away from me, or I was going to lose him by accident, I decided it was better to discard him myself. Of course I felt anger that didn't fade, that was part of it. But the whole thing was a huge mistake. It was someone I should never have abandoned.
God, have you ever read something and just thought, "Whoa, get out of my head!" I was wandering around the library, trying to find more sources for my study and lo and behold, hidden on the farthest shelf (literally) was a copy of Haruki Murakami's Kafka on the Shore, which I've been dying to read. Despite having a ton of work to do, and it being a hardcover book stretching well past three hundred pages, I had to - had to - read it and was not disappointed. To say it's a beautiful book would be trite; it's more than beautiful, it's heartwrenching. So much of it just hit me, I have no other verb for it. Amazing, considering a good portion of it deals with talking cats, advertising mascots come to life and scenes that in the hands of any other writer would come across as pornographic, masturbatory fantasies. A lot of what was written resonated with me, but the passage I quoted above is just so right. Can't go into all the little details right now, but it could've been pulled from my own mind, my past, my present, my future. I wonder why now, of all times, I should come across something that so perfectly describes me...makes me think there's a bigger plan than we realize.
Final thought: From Kafka on the Shore, Haruki Murakami
"I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know what direction I'm facing in. What's wrong, what's right - whether I should keep on going ahead or turn around. I'm totally lost."
Oshima keeps silent, no answer forthcoming.
"You've got to help me. What am I supposed to do?"
"You don't have to do anything," he says simply.
The other half?
Do we spend our lives searching for our other half? What if we don't have an other half? I firmly believe in soulmates, that some people are just destined to be together, regardless, but what about us unfortunates without a fated partner? What do we do? Stand around as eternal wallflowers? These thoughts have been in my consciousness, because, quite by coincidence, I twice ran into that story from Aristophanes, from Plato's Symposium, about how all people were once male/male, female/female, male/female; that is, everyone was once two people in one, and how one day, a cruel god sliced everyone in half. So, for the rest of our days, we have to run around, trying desperately to reunite ourselves. I don't buy it. Some people are just meant to be alone. We are the...shall I say the unlucky or lucky ones? We spend our lives in solitary confinement, self-imposed prisons of our own prejudices, vices and idiosyncracies. All the little habits we refuse to give up for anyone. Our petulance. Our ability to sulk at the drop of a hat. Our quiet, simmering rage. Our incapacity to trust, to feel empathy, to forget. Our way of always looking at things skewed, to always see the dark lining of the cloud. These little things that if we could just tweak, we could actually let someone into our lives. Someone sweet, who takes you out to temples and buys you noodles and messages you all the time, even though you refuse to answer or take their calls. Yet...yet...we can't. Cannot. Flat-out refuse. We are alone, but not lonely. Yes, sometimes we wonder, what it's like to be one half of a whole. Does it feel different? Does it feel safer? Warmer? We're pretty secure here, by ourselves, complete, but still, we can't help but wonder. And of course, by "we", I mean "me".
Final thought: I never thought I was missing anything until I met you and once I did, and you left, and I felt the void, I blamed you and wished I'd never known you. Instead of feeling thankful that I was shown what I was missing, instead, I felt cheated because I touched love and it burned me. And that made me angry.
This Week
Monday. Tough week this is gonna be. Lots of work. Hard decisions that had to be made and enforced. Gonna take lots of strength and effort on my part. Gotta stick to my guns. Not really looking forward to this week, but what can you do? Take the bitter with the sweet; I'm paraphrasing my father, but that's basically what he always says. So much work has to be put in for the really fun bits to happen. I'm at such a low point right at this very moment. I don't want to be here anymore - and by here, I don't mean in this major, at this university, in this country, I mean here, in this life, in this skin - I wish I could just cut and run. I feel so fat, so ugly, so un- unlovable, unlucky and unreasonable and most of all, unmotivated. Last night, I just lay there on my bed thinking, "Do I mean anything to anyone anywhere?" Still trying to answer that one. At much as I try to live my life with my emotions separate from those around me, I can't seem to do it.Well, that was a meaningless little rant.
Final thought: Give me patience for this week.
Confession is good for the non-working soul
Blogging again instead of working. Story of my life. Confession time, then, to cleanse my soul.
I'm ashamed to say it but...
1) Okay, I'm gonna say it, even if it makes me sound like a shallow, bubbleheaded, teenaged moron - Jensen Ackles is HOT! About 70% of the reason why I tune into Supernatural each week is to see that infamous, sexy smirk of his; no man should be that adorable. He's right up there with Brandon Routh, but Routh has "tall, dark and handsome" going for him, while Ackles is suave, beautiful and cocky. That last bit - drives me crazy. There's something so enthralling about a man who's comfortable in his own skin.
2) I'm so fed up with rice. Rice may be the staple of the Thai diet, but it can get soooooo overrated. I've subsisting mostly on munchies: chips, crackers and whatnot. Not terribly healthy I know, but I just can't seem to conjure up any feeling for real food.
3) Nerves. I blame the nerves. I've been on a nail-biting kick all week. Ick, I know, but it's one of my coping mechanisms.
4) I've kept a diary since I was a kid. I don't always write in it, but I've always had one. Yes, very adolescent of me, but it's the one place I know I can be 100% honest and get all the little silly things in my life off my chest without any consequences. This blog is good for just general venting, but my diary is where all the stuff that would incriminate is. And yes, it's in a very secure place, so there's no chance of anyone ever finding it.
5) The only subject I was ever close to failing was calculus. I've always been ashamed because...well, it was the once class where I really thought, "Oh man, I am in deep trouble" and instead of dealing with it, I ignored it, going to class and laughing my head off and eating ice cream cones instead of getting help. Thank God for me, my friend Nisa (bless her soul) stepped in and tutored me up to a B. More than anyone, she truly helped me graduate and I will be eternally grateful to her for that.
Final thought: Grace enough to confess your sins and forsake them. Johann von Goethe
Nine Million Bicycles
"There are nine million bicycles in Beijing/That's a fact/It's a thing we can't deny/Like the fact that I will love you till I die." The first moment I heard that lyric, I knew I was gonna like this song. Katie Melua, in Nine Million Bicycles, has perfectly captured with that one phrase exactly how I've always felt about love. When you're in love, you know it, you know it as surely as you know you're hungry or cold or dying. It's undeniable. Bullet to the brain, knife in the gut, lightning to your heart - love makes its presence known. I've only really fallen in love twice in the my life, and the first time I don't think counts, because I was too young and too stupid to understand what it was I was feeling. I'm not young anymore, but I'm still stupid, as the second time I fell in love proves. With my first love, it was like your first visit to the circus. You're amazed by the sights, by the sounds, you can hardly concentrate, there's so much to see and hear and be amazed by, and for God's sakes, there's three whole rings of activity! You love it all, the garish colors, the jugglers, the trapeze artists - but of course, after about an hour, you get sick on cotton candy and end up throwing up an endless storm of furious pink. It was like that when I fell in love the first time; I was so enthralled by him, by everything about him, it was like the circus, like the loud, exciting circus, but you can only be entertained by so much activity for so long. Of course, you never really swear off the circus; it always has a special place in your heart, but you don't need to go back. The second time - well, that I can only describe it as how I came to like Nine Million Bicycles. One day, I was just minding my own business, listening to Launchcast, when this plaintive flute (I'm guessing it's a flute, not sure) begins to play, and the first lyric blares and my interest is piqued. I'm not sold right away, but bit by bit, lyric by lyric, I'm drawn in and suddenly, before you know it, it's become the newest fixture on my playlist. That's how I fell in love with Mr. Heartbreaker; it wasn't fireworks and explosions from the get-go, though there was sparkage. It was gradual, like sinking in quicksand; slow and ultimately, deadly. He's been on my mind quite a bit more lately. I don't know, he's always on my mind, I guess. He hurt me so thoroughly and yet...What else is there in my life? Everything of value in my life, sadly, pales to the memory of him, of the way he smiled. I know it's all in my mind, that I am the only one who's treating him as the light in my supposedly otherwise dark life. My life is not dark; it's a good life, despite everything, it's a worthy life, even though I'm not terribly worthy of it. I am blessed; not just in terms of materials, but I'm safe, and loved, by my family at least. Yet why do I pine away for someone who only ever hurt me? Maybe I'm a sucker for pain. Maybe I've just lost my mind.
Final thought: Well, of this I am sure...there are nine million bicycles in Beijing and the only way I'll ever love again is through a miracle.
Yet another flaw
I've always tried to live so that my self-worth wasn't tied up with what other people thought or felt about me, and for the most part, I've been doing okay. But the thing is, I'm me and me can't help but get carried along with other people's emotions or lack thereof. Consequently, my mood can be turned by an ill-timed phrase, a misplaced silence, a brusque word and it sucks. Being so swayed by other people means my emotions sometimes aren't my own. Maybe that's why I like being alone sometimes; the only person talking is myself. Course then you have to deal with the fact that you're talking to yourself, but that's another problem entirely. I sometimes wonder why I care so much, why I let others dictate my feelings, and really, I have no idea. It could be part of the fact that I'm so emotionally needy sometimes. I'm the girl who comes home and asks her mother, "Did you miss me?" I always need to hear it, even if I know there's no logic to it; how can you miss someone who's been away for less than twelve hours? No matter how hard I try to cut, it's never a clean separation between my own emotions and others. I'm much better than I was. I was a wreck as a kid. The wrong look could reduce me to tears. I'm not so weak nowadays, but still, there are times, I've gone from perfectly content to perfectly miserable just because someone said the wrong thing. Of course, I know, you can't expect other people to make you feel good (even if they can make you feel bad), but emotions are a tricky thing. This condition makes me feel like a fool, but I just can't seem to fix it.
Final thought: Investing too much of yourself is not a very wise move.
Inner dialogue
A Conversation with SupremeAnna
by The Interviewer
Interviewer: Hey, Anna, how's it going?
SupremeAnna: As good as can be expected.
Interviewer: So, why aren't you working on your literature review?
SupremeAnna: Well, I uh...
Interviewer: Why are you wasting your time on this pointless attempt at absurdist comedy?
SupremeAnna: I'm not attempting absurdist comedy! I hated that unit in junior English!
Interviewer: Right, that's why you dropped lines from Harold Pinter's The Birthday Party for three weeks.
SupremeAnna: It was on my mind, we were studying it for like a month!
Interviewer: Uh huh, sure. Let's get back to my original point...why aren't you working?
SupremeAnna: ...
Interviewer: You do know time is running out?
SupremeAnna: Yeah, no need to rub it in.
Interviewer: It's five minutes to midnight and instead of working, you're doing this.
SupremeAnna: You're pretty annoying for something that is just a literary device.
Interviewer: It's your brain, girl.
SupremeAnna: I don't have to take this. I'm busy...
Interviewer: Yes, you are...yet for all the effort you put in, you've done substantially little.
SupremeAnna: You're a big old meanie!
Interviewer: Hey, someone's gotta make with the tough love.
SupremeAnna: I'm losing my mind.
Interviewer: No, you're losing precious time. End this farce and GO BACK TO WORK!
SupremeAnna: Can I at least say something about my day?
Interviewer: You went to school, mucked around, thought about Mr. Heartbreaker for twenty minutes, ate a bag of potato chips, came home and fiddled around with your report. That about cover it?
SupremeAnna: Well, when you say it, it sounds kinda dull.
Interviewer: It was dull.
SupremeAnna: I'm going to bed.
Interviewer: That would be for the best, as no one is talking to you on MSN anyhow.
SupremeAnna: You're really mean.
Interviewer: Why, thank you. Coming from you, that's a compliment.
SupremeAnna: I'm leaving.
Interviewer: Why haven't you left already?
Final thought: Really, I'm leaving...I'm going...I'm gone...okay, okay, that's it for today.
Have you ever...?
Such a cop-out, but here's yet another list, because I like the release of blogging, but don't actually have anything substantial to post, as my life is now consumed by research, research, research and seriously, it's about as exciting as watching paint dry. Scratch that, paint drying would have more of a kick than what my life is right now. So, enjoy the list. Is it it just me or does everyone like reading about other people's idiosyncracies? Guess it's just me, hahaha.
Have you ever...?
1. Broken a bone: Nope. Always been an overly-cautious person. Didn't even fall off my bike while I was learning to ride. Of course, the moment I could do it, I fell right over and scraped myself all over. Nothing broke though.
2. Sprained stuff: Seriously sprained my ankle once playing basketball in P.E. class; it swelled up like a grapefruit and I couldn't walk properly for about a week, and hurt like God-awful at night, but I took it like a big girl. NOT. I whined like the four-year-old sissy I am on the inside.
3. Had physical therapy: I haven't had physical anything, unless you count check-ups and the revulsion I feel when I hear people using the word dice as the singular form (it's one die, two dice, by the way).
4. Gotten stitches: Again, no.
5. Taken painkillers: Not that I know of.
6. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling: Can't swim, so I try to limit my contact with the water.
8. Thrown up at the dentist: Na-uh, but cried a great deal, coz when I was a kid, I had one who was a disciple of Marquis de Sade and she never used any anesthetic.
9. Sworn in front of your parents: OH YEAH...and promptly got scolded for it.
10. Had detention: Never. I've always been a good girl. 
11. Been sent to the principal's office: Once, and that was only coz I happened to be part of a whole big fiasco when one of my friends socked another one across the mouth during chapel.
12. Been called a ho: Sadly, yes. Twice, and by the same person and am not so certain it wasn't meant in jest.
13. Had a fantasy about someone you knew: Yes, and let's leave it at that.
14. Wanted a pony: No, horses do nothing for me.
15. Fell down the stairs: No, and ouch!
16. Had a hangover: Don't drink. The "not having a hangover" is the beauty of being a teetotaler.
17. Been somewhere you shouldn't have been: Dur, but strictly out of ignorance or against my will, I swear.
18. Liked a boyband: Sure, who, in the throes of a teenage hormone haze, hasn't?
19. Stolen anything: Heck, no, that's illegal.
20. Pretended you were someone else: Does that count acting in plays? Actually, I enjoy pretending I'm someone else sometimes, it's fun. Like when I'm on the skytrain and need directions, I pretend I'm a lost Japanese tourist. It's amazing how much more helpful Thais are when you give them a blank look, stutter and sprinkle your broken English with, "Ee...to...".
Final thought: Have you ever wanted to blog but had nothing to say so went with a list instead? OH YEAH!
A brief interlude
Went to Jatujak yesterday with Goldfinger (big, outdoor weekend market which is the spot for Bangkok bargain and odd knick-knack hunters). Swelteringly hot. Goldfinger bought me a popsicle (okay, so I took it from the lady and said, "Pay" to him, which, sweetness that he is, he did), which was seriously the one second of the day I didn't feel like I was a boiled potato. Worried on and off about the state of my individual study, but I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow and I actually have some stuff to show her, so it should be good, right? Walked around for like five hours and all I got were a couple of magazines, but I had a good time. He got a shirt and a lighter. The shirt I liked; the lighter, not so much. It's sorta like the one Pyro had in the X-Men movie (without the Jaws motif) and all the way home, he kept flicking it open and closed - and mind you, this was when he was supposed to be driving. Finally, I just said, "For cripes' sake, put that darn lighter down and DRIVE!" Men and their toys, sheesh. Today of course, it's back to the books, but yesterday was a nice little interlude.
Final thought: Sometimes, you gotta live on the light side of life.
Yet more factoids about me
Well, found this the other night when I was meandering around the net instead of working on my individual study. It was on someone else's blog and the only thing I had in common with her is that we are both totally in love with Jensen Ackles. Well, but then who isn't, aside from people who don't like that type and the downright insane? I think I'm of the latter category, by the way.
1. Where did you get your blog avatar?
The fairies conjured it up for me after I bribed them with some black currant cookies. 
2. What exactly are you wearing right now?
That's naughty!
3. What is your current problem?
I'm a few apples shy of a barrel.
4. What makes you happiest?
Knowing my family and friends are safe and well.
5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
So Beautiful, Darren Hayes
6. Any celeb you would marry?
At this particular moment? Jensen Ackles - just so I could look at the gorgeousness that is him 24/7.
7. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
I'll name two - my friend Nisa who singlehandedly helped me pass calculus and Ezra, this guy I knew in drama club.
8. Ever sang in front of a large audience?
Uh huh; for my first play with the drama club, I had a solo number - I Enjoy Being a Girl, from The Flowerdrum Song.
9. Bad habit you still have from childhood?
Biting my nails. I know it's icky, but I've just never been able to stop.
10. Do you still watch kiddie movies or kiddie TV shows?
Oh yeah!
11. Do you speak any other languages?
Aside from English? Thai and the teeniest bit of Japanese and even less Italian.
12. Are you addicted to blogging?
Er, I have to admit, for awhile there, it was touch and go, but once real life came a-knockin', it kinda petered off on its own.
Final thought: These factoids are truly trivial, but they're fun for me.
Just a lovely day
It was such a beautiful day at my university today, I just had to talk about it. It seems I only ever blog to rant and complain, so this post, I actually want to talk about something I enjoyed. The wind was fantastic, whipping the trees about; the weather was just right, not too hot, not too cool. I sat under the trees and thoroughly enjoyed my tutoring session. The sunlight was filtering through the leaves in shafts of gold and it was just so peaceful. I don't usually like my university - too many negative associations, but today was such a wonderful day, I couldn't help being thankful I was alive and there.
Final thought: Thank the Lord for beautiful days.
The mess that is me
To understand someone, walk a mile in their shoes - apparently, I'm one of those people who wouldn't be caught dead in someone else's footwear. I know I have a lot of flaws. I admit it wholeheartedly. Heck, I've admitted it wholeheartedly in this blog and elsewhere. But I've always thought: who's perfect, right? However, it has recently come to my attention that I am the least empathetic person in my life. I'm pretty sympathetic, I believe; I feel sorry for people and wanna help, but I really, truly have a hard time feeling what they're feeling. I get so wrapped up in a "If you were me..." mindset - let's just say I use my own yardstick to measure other people and it's been getting me into trouble lately. It's like a horrible compulsion with me, this constant, "Well, if it were me, I'd definitely...". I just keep setting myself up for emotional injury. It seems all I do nowadays is sulk and act like a weepy deranged lunatic. That's not me, or at least, I don't believe it is. I'm manipulative, but not in such an idiotic way, and I'm certainly not feeling manipulative at the moment. The crazy part is that I can see clearly that all the personal problems I have, I am at least 50% responsible for them. This is not the say the other party is wholly off the hook; if there's no spark, there's no fire. It's just that I know I can handle things better but I refuse to. I can't tell my folks about this; my family has this thing of always taking sides against me in these sort of situations. "You're too emotional," they tell me. They're right, but sometimes, you know, I just need to hear things. I can't say it any better than that; I'm really not that word-witty. Actions may speak louder than words, but sometimes, I feel like I'm blind. God, I really don't have time for any of this idiocy. My plate is full to overbrimming. Why do I keep setting myself up for insanity? Sometimes, I'm terrified I'll wake up and everyone will have thrown in the towel on me. It's not that I'm scared to be alone or even to be lonely, it's not that. It's that feeling of abandonment, of knowing you have completely exhausted every single person in your life and they want nothing else to do with you, and it doesn't matter whether you live or die or what. They're just fed up with you. Good riddance to you, you cruel judgemental constantly-in-need-of-emo tional-reassurance basketcase. At these times, I just wanna...I don't know, scream or throw something or slit my wrists or jump off a bridge. Just to avoid ever having to feel that. That's when I have to set myself the task of pulling myself back to my life - blogging, talking to my mom or my best friend. I don't know why little things have been setting me off lately. It's not the things themselves per se, it's my interpretation of them. I feel sorry for the people who have entered my life at this junction; it's like they're caught in the middle of a hurricane that was only just building and I didn't bother to give them any warning. How can I when I myself have no idea about the weather?
Final thought: Maybe the whole world wants to take a break from me. I'd understand.
Feeling like mashed peas
The other day I was feeling sorta...how should I put it? Like a plate of mashed peas; techincally okay, but super-icky. I think everyone has those sorta days - you know, bad hair days, or feeling-fat days or whatnot. My plate is so full nowadays, with school and tutoring and school trips and so on and so forth. I was the mashiest mashed peas ever. It's moments like those when I really appreciate random acts of kindness. Like someone taking time out of their studying schedule to email me So Beautiful by Darren Hayes. Like a best friend who calls to tell me about selling diamonds to little blue-haired old ladies. Like knowing someone will call everyday to check up on me (well, that may be a bit too much to expect). Why is it we only appreciate the small things when all the big things are going to hell in a handbasket? I try to be thankful for the little things every day, but like everyone, I often get lost in all the large stuff. It's like my life is a second-rate soap opera and it's sweeps week every week, when really, all I want is a mellow sitcom where a joke about a mother-in-law can be stretched for twenty-two minutes. I don't mind being peas, but must I be mashed? Hmmm, I suppose that's enough mixed metaphors for one post.
Final thought: I like the little things.