Another Night of Dancing
Last night, I broke out the dancing shoes and boogied the night away. I love to dance. It's the one vice of mine that gets people to ask, "Is that really you?" No one seems to believe that I could dance so insanely without a drop of alcohol in me. Ran into a bunch of people - people from both my high school and university. They were all trying to figure out where I was getting the crazy without alcoholic aid. I'm high on life, I always say, and that's good enough for me - at the very least, I won't wake up with a hangover. My best friend, Shu (her friend from university) and Sittha were there. Sittha, again, wowed us with his impression of that guy from Footloose. Seriously, I just can't believe his moves out there, it's like he's a whole other person, a person who dances. But boy, can he throw back the liquor. The funny thing about Drunk Sittha is that he is under the misguided impression that he is Sober Sittha. There he is, glass in hand, sloshing booze over everything, reeling all over the place and barely able to stand up straight and he keeps on insisting, "I'm fine, I'm fine." At one point in the night, he poured half a bottle of water on me, totally unbeknownst to him. It was funny, after I got past the fact that I was all damp. Comedy at its purest. In other news, I saw the cutest blonde guy, alone, but of course, he was on his way out. Shame. You so rarely see halfway lookable single guys in Bangkok, or at least, I don't. Just as well, since a) I wouldn't have had the nerve to do anything anyway, who am I kidding? and b) my schedule doesn't permit more than a few, well-planned in advance dates anyhow.
Final thought: I love to dance.
Conspiracy Theory
Sometimes, it feels like the whole world is conspiring against me. Then again, it could just be my paranoid streak. Got it from my dad - my father is the Thai version of Mulder. He firmly believes that nothing is as it seems. There's always a catch, and it's this attitude I've adopted for my approach to life. I want to believe the best of people, but nine times out of ten, it's the bad that's the truth. I'm not a pessimist; I'm a realist. Okay, so it makes me a shade more negative than say, Silly-Smile-Sally, but hey, better safe than sorry. I've been hurt by - and hurt, to be honest - too many people to be all, "Yeah, okay, let's throw caution to the wind!" when entering any relationship. It's not that I believe people are fundamentally evil, it's just that we can't help ourselves. It's the rare person who's honest-to-goodness selfless and I certainly ain't one of them. I try to go with the flow, but there are just certain things that rub me the wrong way and when that happens, I go off faster than a match being struck. My temper is, for lack of a better word, cataclysmic. And I'm a pouter, boy, am I a pouter. And this week, I've been angry and sulky more times that even I think is healthy. Which comes back to my first thought: is the whole world conspiring against me? Academics-wise, things are easing up - not a whole lot, but enough for me to take a slight breather. Friendship and otherwise? God, it's near-biblical the plague of bad that's been buffetting me. What the heck?!? I swear, I'm this close to just going off to live in a nunnery.
Final thought: I got a lot of buttons; why do people always push the bad ones?
Quiet Day
Amazingly, I had a pretty good day today. It was a quiet day. I got some work done. Read some, started a Powerpoint presentation. I made a really nice cream of potato and carrot soup for dinner (my mom was making Thai food and I'm just so bored of it right now). Talked to June a bit on MSN. Started The Philadephia Story, but decided to defer full watching until after I finished a bit more of my literature review. Read my horoscope. Gave some advice. Checked my email and managed not to freak out that my advisor has not replied to me. I really like this downtime; my life has been such a whirlwind lately. It's so good to have such a mundane day. I'm a pretty mundane person. People tell me I seem to thrive on drama, and I guess I do, to an extent, but really, who wants to live their life in a self-scripted soap opera? No, thanks.
Final thought: It's good to go a whole day without any theatrics.
Where's the sappy ending?
Did I mention how much I detested The Break-Up? (Look away if you don't want to be spoiled.) It was billed as a romantic comedy, but it was totally not. The characters were unlikable, the situations were downright sad and all the funny parts were milked for the trailer. But the worst part, the absolutely unforgivable part in my book, was that at the end, the two characters did not get together. What the heck?!? Listen, if I want gloom and break-ups that stick, I get plenty in my real life. I don't need to pay to watch that stuff when my own life is chock-full of it. I hate romantic movies sans happy endings. Real life is already one, big non-happily-ever mess, why on Earth should a movie be the same way? And don't say it's because movies are supposed to reflect real life; sure, that's fine, but don't construct the trailer to mislead into thinking I'm going to come out the theater feeling warm and fuzzy. That's just rude, I tell you.
Final thought: Boycott The Break-Up!
Guess what I'm listening to?
There are many windows to the soul, I believe. There's what you say, what you do...then there are your tastes - in music, in books, in movies. I think these things, these things we chose voluntarily, reveal a great deal about us that we're too afraid, shy or inarticulate to say. So, here's what's on my current playlist.
1. Unlovable, Darren Hayes
This song from Darren Hayes (available free to download off his website) is...amazing. There's simply no adjective strong enough to capture exactly how I feel about this song. It moves me like no piece of music has ever moved me - yes, all his songs move me, but this song feels so much like it came straight from my own heartache, it brings slight tears to my eyes every time I listen to it (and that's often). When he sings, "Did I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?", it takes all my willpower not to break down and bawl my eyes out.
2. Truly, Madly, Deeply, Darren Hayes
Another Darren Hayes staple; haunting in its eloquent simplicity. The combination of haiku-like lyrics and Darren's honey voice still sends shivers down my spine years after I first heard it. "I wanna stand with you on a mountain/I wanna bathe with you in the sea/I wanna lay like this forever/Until the sky falls down on me" - could romance be any more beautiful? I almost wanna fall in love again, just to be able to listen to this without feeling like I wanna take a flying leap off that darn mountain or drown myself in that freakin' sea.
3. Sexy Back, Justin Timberlake
Justin Timberlake's new single and definitely a guilty pleasure of mine. It's infectiously danceable, and for some reason, the one lyric that keeps repeating is also the one I think the censors should've attacked voraciously - "Dirty babe/You see these shackles, baby, I'm your slave/I'll let you whip me if I misbehave". Aside from the S&M undertones, it's a great litttle dance ditty. When are they going to start blasting it in the Bangkok clubs?
4. Come Back to Bed, John Mayer
You know, John Mayer could seriously duke it out with Darren Hayes for the title of the most romantic lyricist in today's music world. Such a simple concept, yet he manages to wrench such poetry from it. It's almost like a little story, the way it's written. The song details a fight between the singer and his girl, right before (you guessed it) bedtime and the song implores her to come back to bed, that she can "be mad in the morning/I take back what I said/Just don't leave me alone here/It's cold, baby/Come back to bed". Maybe it appeals to me because I know for a fact that if something like happened to me and someone said this to me, I'd forgive him (and I'm not a quick forgiver, just like the girl in the song). But hey, I'm a sucker for cheesy poetry.
5. Superstition, Out of the Blue
Marc sent me his award-winning group's song and I love it, and not just because he has a kick-@$$ solo in it, but because it's fantastic. Period. It's so well-performed, so professional, so poised. I'm so thrilled that I actually know this person. Of course, when he was around, it was kinda hard to remember how good he was when he used to sing at the oddest times (dissecting a cadaver? Yes, he used to provide the soundtrack to that) and his favorite bit was to pick up any object - and I mean any object - and say "Hello" into it like it was a telephone. But it all paid off, coz this stuff is awesome.
Final thought: Freud would have a field day.
Love in its many forms
My friends tell me I have a "type". My first crush turned out to be bisexual. Mr. Heartbreaker has shades of homosexuality. I seem to have this thing for falling for guys who aren't quite into women. There's gotta be something Freudian in all that. What got me thinking about all this was the announcement that Darren Hayes just married his boyfriend. I'm not particularly surprised by this; he's been gushing about his new love all over his second solo album. I just wonder why everyone appears to be taken aback that he's gay. A lot of people seemed shocked by it. So what? Love is love. He's proven that with his music - its message is universal. I don't see what the big deal is. I still love my first crush; I don't think I'll ever stop. I didn't stop loving him when I found out he had a boyfriend (I didn't stop loving him when I found out he had a girlfriend!). Mr. Heartbreaker had what I can only describe as a crush on one of his guy friends. He'd deny it to the death, but I know him better. Love takes so many forms, so many manifestations. It's beautiful in every incarnation. It hurts like a b*tch in every incarnation.
Final thought: Now that Darren Hayes is married, I wonder if he'll write even sappier songs about the couple life? Fingers crossed.
Affirmation
Darren Hayes, as I am always saying, has this way of taking the mundane and turning it into the extraordinary. His song Affirmation, I think, is a prime example. The very moment I heard the first lyric, I thought to myself, "Yup, we're on the same page here." (Sidebar: My mother has always taught me to never go to bed angry, that if that ever happens, things will go from bad to worse. A few weeks ago, I had a fight with someone and I guess they weren't listening to me all that well, coz we were on the phone and they hung up. I hate it when people leave me in the midst of a fight. Well, that was gonna be the end of it, except they had the good sense to send me a reconciliatory message. In theory, the sun did set on that argument, but I'm not that implacable.) I don't agree with every sentiment expressed in this song (the one I have the most trouble with is "I believe that trust is more important than monogamy" - so not true), but overall, I think it's a brave piece of writing. It says so much about the human condition and isn't that what art is supposed to do?
Final thought: Affirmation, Darren Hayes
I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone
I believe in karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love till you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires
I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity
A Big Night Out with Darren Hayes
Two words: Darren Hayes! Darren Hayes! Darren Hayes! Oh my God, his concert last night was awesome! I screamed until my throat was hoarse, then I screamed some more. I was right in front of the stage for most of the show. He started with Affirmation and everyone was singing along and dancing and I jumped so hard, I sprained my foot, but I didn't feel tired or thirsty or anything. He looked fantastic in person and he sounded just as amazing. When he started singing Unlovable, I almost fainted. I love, love, love that song. I was right next to this blonde girl and she and I were both singing along and dancing and jumping and having a crazy time. I kept shrieking and everyone around was looking at me like, "This girl is some kinda lunatic!", but I didn't particularly care. My best friend and Goldfinger were standing towards the back, smiling benevolently at me - they only came along to humor me, and I was so grateful coz I was so wired, I needed to share it with someone. (And poor Goldfinger, got sick today because he was out late. Poor sweetheart.) At one point, I yelled, "We love you, Darren!" and he said, "I love you, too" and this Thai girl near me laughed like she was gonna keel over. It was too bad he didn't sing Good Enough, the song I've adopted as a personal anthem and Goldfinger and I were disappointed he didn't do Dublin Sky, but all in all, it was a blast. I had so much fun. I'm still pretty wired this morning, although I slept at one and got up at five. I love Darren Hayes, his music, the lyrics that are like the poetry of my life.
Final thought: So beautiful...
Love = Pain
Have you ever missed someone so much it manifested itself as a physical ache? My biology and emotions are so tied up together, sometimes, I can't tease them apart. Everytime I saw the love of my life, my heart would start to pound like I'd been fleeing something dangerous, thumping so hard at times I thought I might faint from exhaustion. This rapid beating of my heart I came to identify with love; eventually, it came to be love for me, a tangible, physical reaction. When I had my heart broken, I felt a sharp pain inside me, like I'd been run through with a knife, only harder - more like a knife that had come flying towards me with the speed of a bullet. Every strong emotion I have seems to be paired with an equally intense physical manifestation. The worse thing is that since my feelings can take me by surprise, their physical parallels also catch me off-guard as well. Does anyone else have to suffer this way? Does anyone suddenly feel like a million shards of glass are cutting through them when they're missing someone so badly it's as if nothing can ever take the pain away? It's as if the only thing I have ever equated love to is pain - or at least, I barely remember its good points. Was there ever a time I was happy to be in love? It's hurt me so much, I'm scared. I'm terrified of ever feeling that much pain again, so I choose not to try or care any longer. I've said it before, and I'm saying it again. I'm through with love. Love and I are no longer on speaking terms. Something major has to happen for me to even consider falling in love again. If you were me, would you risk having to go through agony just because you wished, impossibly, that someone was there with you?
Final thought: For SupremeAnna, Love = Pain.
Yet another pet peeve
I hate people who can't finish a thought. It is one of my pet peeves. You've met them, right? They'll start a sentence, sputter out and then refuse to continue. There's a school of thought that believes that your first thought is the most honest, that anything that you amend is automatically less sincere than your initial sentiment. Something to think about. My personality is the kind that forges on with a thought, even when I should be putting the censor on. Ever hear that John Mayer song, My Stupid Mouth, where he sings something like, "My stupid mouth has gotten me in trouble more times than I can count"? Yeah, that's me. It's funny, coz I don't really think of myself as the impulsive type, but when it comes to shooting my mouth off, I'm more of a leaper, not a looker. In other aspects of my life, though, cautious is a creed, not a suggestion. Okay, that's not exactly true, in love I'm a bit of a daredevil, too. School, though, I'm a veritable crossing guard in terms of academics. Have I mentioned I'm a mass of contradictions? Boy, I am a mass of contradictions. But I still like people to finish their thoughts.
Final thought: I've finished my thoughts.
Daily dose of saccharine
Ever get those dumb forwards where you're told that if you break the chain, something monumentally awful (well, awful if you were say, utterly bored and had nothing going on in your life) would happen? Well, this is one of them, sent to me by a girl who I think still believes she's in high school, although she's actually going on her second year of university. This is so utterly corny, but I think it's soooooooooooooo adorable. I figured out the twist like from the first line (kinda like a latter-day M. Night Shmayalan flick), but still, the ending is sweet. Every once in awhile, you need something to give you a toothache.
ON WITH THE SHOW!
Girl: I'm always here for you.
Boy: I know.
Girl: What's wrong?
Boy: I like her so much.
Girl: Talk to her.
Boy: I don't know. She won't ever like me.
Girl: Don't say that. You're amazing.
Boy: I just want her to know how I feel.
Girl: Then tell her.
Boy: She won't like me
Girl: How do you know that?
Boy: I can just tell.
Girl: Well just tell her.
Boy: What should I say?
Girl: Tell her how much you like her.
Boy: I tell her that daily.
Girl: What do you mean?
Boy: I'm always with her. I love her.
Girl: I know how you feel. I have the same problem. But he'll never like me
Boy: Wait. Who do you like?
Girl: Oh, some boy.
Boy: Oh...she won't like me either.
Girl: She does.
Boy: How do you know...?
Girl: Because, who wouldn't like you?
Boy: You.
Girl: You're wrong, I love you.
Boy: I love you, too.
Girl: So are you going to talk to her?
Boy: I just did.
Final thought: We all need more sweetness in our lives.
Melodramatic trifles
Allow me a few melodramatic trifles, it keeps me away from the cliff of insanity. To keep myself from crying over silly things, I think of all the real tragedies of life. That stops the waterworks right away. When I was a kid, I cried over everything. I was like some kind of leaky faucet; anything could trigger my tears. My father always told me to be strong, to stop - he says tears never solve anything. He was, is and probably will be, right. Grown up (or as grown up as an immature girl like me could possible get), I refused to cry over nonsense - movies, for instance. Never shed a tear at a single movie. I still keep my resolve, but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I just want to cry over my own stupidity. I've been accused of being biased, of not seeing things from others' perspectives. I think I see all too well, but choose to ignore. If I saw things from their viewpoint, I might cry at how awful I truly am, even when I'm right or justified. I can be downright cruel. None of this means anything anyhow. Time ticks slowly away and nothing you or I or anyone can halt it, not with tears, not with laughter. Time is the one silly thing I'll allow myself to cry over. I don't know why I bother sometimes, I just don't know.
Final thought: Live to the point of tears. Albert Camus
Calculated risks
What constitutes being a chicken? Does going the safe route when you could be trying out a new, untested route make you a full-blown chicken? Or just a slight chicken? Or not a chicken, but a good example of someone who looks before she leaps? I have spent my life playing it safe. It's worked out pretty well for me. People are always championing doing the reckless, doing the dangerous, living on the edge. That probably works for a lot of people, but I know I am not one of them. Emotionally, I'm not terribly stable. I have a short fuse. I used to get hurt pretty easily. I'm a pouter. I don't live life wholly on the sidelines, but neither am I careering down the fast lane. I like taking calculated risks. I go pretty much go with the tried and tested (though that's not a hard and fast rule, especially when it comes to snacks), whether it's an essay topic or someone to go to the movies with. Do taking calculated risks make me a chicken? Then, darn, dip me in batter and sell me to KFC.
Final thought: Cock-a-doodle-doo...oh, wait, that's a rooster.
She's crazy...
Ever have one of those lunatic days, a day when you feel that, well, for instance, stepping out of a car in the middle of traffic is a good idea? Or when you somehow believe you're being a good friend by insulting someone's fashion sense? Or when someone buys you a really nice apple strudel and you don't even remember to thank them for it? Yeah, well, I've been feeling like that all day. And it sucks. It seems the more I resolve to be a good girl, I just end up being worse and worse. The moment I do something horrible, believe me, I know it and yet it's like I'm compelled to go forward with it. I've hurt a lot of people this way, least of all myself. It's a sickness, really. It's inexcusable, nonetheless. I hate myself for it, I kick myself mentally for it all the time. WHY THE HECK CAN'T I DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT? AND WHY THE HECK DO I BOTHER BLOGGING ABOUT IT? Two questions right up there with the chicken and the egg and whatever happened to the dinosaurs and Baby Jane.
Final thought: Maybe I ought to have myself committed. Probably it will be done for me, though.
Control issues
Today's Aries horoscope: "Your actions will have major consequences right now, so try not to be too dominant." That's it, the one sentence. Makes me laugh really. In some ways, I suppose I'm a pretty controlling person. People have told I have an aggressive personality, but objectively, what I can attest to is that I have a loud voice, a cruel streak and a penchant for saying nasty things about people's looks (if I don't know them well) or people's spelling (if I do). I tend to bully the people I don't like into submission, often just by being downright stubborn. Yes, I'm a bit of a hard one. However, in some other areas of my life, I feel like I have absolutely no influence. School is the prime example of that. I feel like I'm careering all over the place. My emotions are another; lately, I've been getting really annoyed at myself for being so silly and letting my emotions take free rein over my life. I think when you're hurt so much and so often, you're left with scars. They're invisible, but they're there, and once in a while, a chip of glass or a speck of sand irritates them, and you're off. You turn into a bumbling, incoherent, insecure idiot who is hurt by the tiniest provocations. I'm going to work hard on ameliorating that. Can't have my feelings mucking up my life, especially now with so much work to do.
Final thought: Emotions are the slave, I am the master. Or the mistress, as the case may be.
Categories
Was down at my alma mater today attending my friends' graduation ceremony. Man, I just realized anew how many people I truly dislike there. My mother is always saying it's not nice to hate people, but my mother never met these people. And I'm just naturally mean. Recently, someone told me I'd said of my friend's ex (after they broke up) that he was "stoned all the time and had borrowed half his brain from stupid." I don't even remember saying that, but I have to admit, I'm a tiny bit astonished at my own wittiness. Yes, it was probably a cruel remark, but hey, this guy is a bastard and I don't use that word lightly, like, "God, you're such a bastard." So, I think I'm justified about 99% of the time. It's not like I hunt these people down and methodically calculate how to make their lives a living hell (if I weren't so lazy, I might). I just plain dislike them; doesn't affect their lives, doesn't interrupt mine. I think it's very human to want to categorize and organize. Black or white? In or out? Friend or foe? We all put things into neat little boxes according to our own agenda. I'm just a bit crazier; I think it comes from being super-judgemental. I can't stand not putting labels on people.
Final thought: You label me, I label you.
Tall, dark and handsome
Saw Superman Returns today. No spoilers, read on. In fact, no comments on the movie except man, Brandon Routh is smokin' hot. He can fly in and out of my life anytime. There's something about tall, dark and handsome that just makes me go weak in the knees. No, what came to my mind was the Clark Kent in my life...or rather, the Clark Kent who flew in and out of my life. CK - why don't I see him around anymore? It's not that big of a school really. I've actually seen the Thai princess who studies there more often (she has classes in the building next to mine). Sigh. It would be nice if I could see him more often. He could be my daily dose of tall, dark and handsome. Double sigh.
Final thought: There's just something about tall, dark and handsome guys.