Unlovable
Oh my God, Darren Hayes is so fantastic! His song Unlovable perfectly captures my current mood. How is it that when I try to express the same emotions that he does, I end up sounding like an illiterate eleventh-grader on MySpace but he sounds like an award-winning poet? There, dear reader, is the difference between being a hack and having talent. This song sends shivers down my spine, it's so spot-on. I always thought that love should make you the best person you can be, the happiest, the nicest, the most affectionate, the most caring, the most selfless - I thought it would make you glow. But it's not like that all. It's so much worse than anything I could ever put into words. How can love be a good thing when it makes you feel like you're constantly being stabbed in the gut? How can you continue to love someone who makes you feel like the worst version of yourself, like someone who's not worthy of being alive? How can you think obsessively about one person when he never spent a second thinking about you? How can you love and love and love when there's no hope? How can one person make you feel so horribly about yourself? Yeah, I don't know either.
Final thought: From Darren Hayes's Unlovable
I had your back, I held you up, I told you you were good enough
It was not reciprocated, you kept affection and yourself apart
You fed your love to me like crumbs to pigeons in the park
Sometimes I think you're satisfied to see me begging like a dog
I wasn't armored, you were king, I gave my everything
Because sometimes you showed me just a hint of you and then
For just a moment I romanticized the notion
I can take away the torment, I can love you like they never did
You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me)
You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty)
Am I so unlovable?
Is my skin untouchable?
Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like?
Fat, ugly and silly
I feel fat. Well, I am fat, but I feel fat and I usually don't feel fat. I mean, it's like your hair. You've lived with your hair forever; do you feel like your hair is heavy? I also feel ugly. Again, I am, but I usually don't pay too much attention to it. I feel myself slipping into a funk again. A work-induced funk. I miss Mr. Heartbreaker. It's completely irrational, but I think if I just heard his voice or saw him in the flesh, just for a few seconds... Ugh, but I know I shouldn't let my happiness hinge on external factors. Like, hello, aren't I reading up on motivation and how the best motivation is intrinsic? Talk about "physician, heal thyself". It's just that I miss him. I think about him and wonder if he's okay, wonder what he's doing. Silly, I know. Love is silly and so am I. I am also fat and ugly. Perfect trifecta of idiocy right there.
Final thought: No, all this negativity is not good for me, but I either b*tch and moan here or go out and hurt people. I choose the former.
PatheticAnna
I have got to stop being so sensitive. The littlest things tick me off. I sulk at the drop of a hat. It's getting to the point where even I'm annoyed by my behavior. I think I have to stay away from people who push all of my wrong buttons. There is way too much going on in my life for me to be feeling and acting like this. I'm not six years old for God's sake. I can't pout and stomp my foot and demand things to go my way. I know all this, yet why am I still so unreasonable? Couldn't even go one week without sulking or getting angry. That's pathetic. I'm pathetic.
Final thought: SupremeAnna...is now PatheticAnna. 
Did I mention I love Darren Hayes?
I have thrown quite a bit of caution (not to mention money) to the wind and decided I am going to the Darren Hayes concert. This man has reached deep inside my soul and wrenched poetry from it; and no, it's not as painful as it sounds, it's breathtaking. When I die, I want a Darren Hayes track playing at my funeral. Doesn't matter which it is, just make sure he wrote and sang it. Come to think of it, I want one of his songs playing at every critical juncture of my life - when I have my first child, for instance. I'll have the doctors play I Knew I Loved You. That's perfect. At first, I didn't know if I was going to make it to the concert on account of all the work, but I now have a study advisor, which takes a minor load off of me. (Tangent: Goldfinger was so sweet and sent me concert info to tide me over. Can't believe we're at the same university and still haven't seen each other.) Though the heat is still on. Still, on Friday, went out with my best friend and Sittha and his friends to a club and danced most of the night away. Thank the good Lord I was fighting my way to the ladies' room when Chol (I think his name is Chol. Truthfully, I always call him 'the light one' for obvious reasons) decided that projectile vomiting was just what the night needed. Ugh. Sittha was a contender for my dancing queen position; liquor really loosens him up. However, being sober has its moments - the main one is that I could dance without falling over in a sweaty boozed-up heap. I love that he just let go of all his inhibitions though. Makes me feel better for going nuts on the dance floor. He can't steal my title, but he's definitely the first runner-up. And now, gotta go back to work and maybe daydream a bit about Darren Hayes writing a song for me. A girl can dream, can't she?
Final thought: Darren Hayes. Just wanted to say his name. 
Who I am
My horoscope for today reads: "It's time to face the truth of who you are, rather than act like who you think you are. It's never easy to find your own values, but in order to live well, it's absolutely necessary. Remember your essential nature." Who am I? I'm a mean, sulky, unreasonable, easily angered, incoherent, unnecessarily cruel, uptight, overly serious, list-making, nonsense-blogging, boring, not-overly-clever, verbose, thick-headed, thick-waisted, corny, much-too-stressed, crazy girl. If that was your essential nature, wouldn't you try to be someone else? Yes, you probably would, and there was a time in my life when I would've tried to be someone else - not just a better version of me, but someone else, a nicer someone, my conception of better. Then I realized you can never win. No matter what you do, no matter what you try, there will always be someone who has a bone of contention with you. Why should I put myself out when it doesn't matter anyway? Nowadays, my only criterion for a good life is: did I kill anyone? If I haven't, I'm thinking that's the most society should ask of me. It probably means I'll be spending the rest of my life alone or with six dozen fish in an overly-maintained fish tank, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Doesn't mean I haven't stopped caring slightly about what other people think about me, but I take it less seriously than I did before.
Final thought: This is who I am. Period.
Symptoms
When I'm on edge, my mind and body start to fall apart. Like, today, I didn't know what day it was; just completely lost in time. I sometimes find myself thinking about things that pop up out of the blue - like, gee, I'd really like some baked potato chips just about now. Or, if I were to throw my shoe at that annoying girl in my class, what would happen? Doesn't anyone ever listen to me? Crazy randomness like that. And my body...God, there's a whole laundry list of symptoms that I'm always on the lookout for, because they signal the descent into insanity. The flesh under my left eye twitches. I get a charley horse more often than usual. I bite my nails until they're nothing but fleshy nubs. And my stomach feels like a stampede of cattle. I keep telling myself: "The things worth having are worth suffering for." That's true, isn't it?
Final thought: The things worth having are worth suffering for. God, I hope that's true.
Useless rant about Darren Hayes
Bummer of my life: aside from the major piles of work, work, work, I am a) too broke and b) too busy to attend the one night only concert with Darren Hayes. The "busy" I can probably put off for a night, but I fear my broke-ness will take a lot more effort to remedy. This sucks. I love Darren Hayes. Why does he have to show up now? Now when my life is almost in a shambles? I know this is a completely useless rant, but I just love him. He wrote the soundtrack to my life, how could you not love someone who does that? I just wish I could go to his concert. I'm not even a concert kind of girl. But for Darren...ugh. Have to get back to reading research. Darn it all to heck.
Final thought: Truly, madly, deeply...darn!
Drive me crazy
Lately I find I constantly have my head stuck in a book. Or in front of my computer screen, scrolling through source after source after source, trying to find those that are relevant to my field of research. If I was a bookworm before, I am a book-elephant by now! Did you ever get to that point in your life when nothing seems right? You're ugly, you're mean, you're not smart enough, you're not funny, you don't get anything? Yeah, I'm at that point right now and the only thing standing between me and the abyss of true insanity is a thick sheaf of research I have to sift through. I keep giving myself pep talks. It's the only way I stop myself from going berserk and kicking some random stranger in the head. Grad school can drive you crazy, if you let it. Enough griping for tonight. I have a make-up class tomorrow and it's past my bedtime and no one's talking to me on MSN.
Final thought: Leaning out over/ The dreadful precipice/ One contemptuous tree. W.H. Auden
X-plosive...as in bomb
Don't you hate people who say they're busy yet have time to blog? Well, I am busy, but not too busy to fit in a quick post. That's coz I watched X-Men: The Last Stand the other day and of course, I have to throw in my two cents. I'm possibly the last person on Earth to watch it, but here it goes. Some spoilers ahead, so be forewarned. The good? Can you say fastball special? Some funny moments, like Wolverine kicking a regenerating mutant in the...uh, sensitive spot, after failing to disable him by slicing off hands and arms and saying, "Grow a new one of that" or something of that sort. Bobby turning into Iceman, literally. And the action - yes, all the action. I love a good explosion and Brett Ratner did not stop at the singular. The bad? Ugh. No plot to speak of. Two love triangles? What is Hollywood's obsession with that shape? Rogue! Why did you do that to Rogue, you bastards! And where the heck was Nightcrawler? The endless parade of unnamed characters. Deaths; so many deaths! The ugly? Man, that had to be Famke Janssen (am I spelling her name right?) as the Phoenix. I was never a huge fan of her as Jean Grey anyhow (no chemistry with James Marsden, the obvious age difference between the two, the red hair straight out of a bottle) and I couldn't believe how much I despised her as the Phoenix. Everytime she activated her power, I thought I was going to be sick. Granted, I'm thinking the power was supposed to make her look all hideous, but did she have to be so very, very gross, with the veins and whatnot? Oh, here's one major "What the heck?" I had - if the Phoenix is supposed to be this all-powerful, no-one-can-beat-her mutant, why was Wolverine able to kill her so easily? When is everyone going to realize that Wolverine has a pretty crummy power? Take away the claws and what? He heals fast; yeah, it's cool, helps make him semi-immortal, but not terribly flashy. I thought that power was incorporated well into that final scene with Jean Grey, but otherwise, I was sitting there thinking, "Just coz he was the major character in the other films does not justify him getting to be a major character in this one." All in all, not half as good as X2. I love X2. I love any film where with every rewatching, you gain something new to think about, some new thought to chew on. I love that sort of subtle film-making. Once the action gets old, you gotta have that. Life can't all be action.
Final thought: It's in the quiet that you can hear your thoughts.
I'm back...and busy!
Well, for people who are just popping in or have popped in before and wondered why the heck I wasn't blogging - I was off in San Jose, California, attending a two-week workshop on e-learning. But now I'm back in the Land of Smiles, aka Thailand. Oh man, how long is jet lag supposed to last? Over in San Jose, I'd get vertigo standing around reading in a bookstore. Back home in Thailand, I feel like conking out at six in the evening. Traveling sucks. No, really, it does. The being there, the seeing of new sights and sensations - that's all great. But planes? Planes suck. Of course, it might just be the motion sickness talking. I get the most horrible motion sickness, sometimes even just being on the bus, so I might not be the most objective commentator on transportation. At any rate, I'm home and have been for awhile. Stuff is everywhere, my suitcases are still out and I have yet to adjust my mind and body to being back on this side of the ocean. Can you believe I had class right the next day after getting back? As a consequence, I've been grumpy and cranky and completely on edge. Thank God we got a four-day holiday because of His Majesty the King's sixty-year reign. I was this close to losing it. Anyhow, got loads of work to do, so that will be occupying my time, but just wanted to say hello again to everyone and sorry if I don't reply to comments. I'm really swamped right now and I often don't read them, but thanks for all of them anyway.
Final thought: Life is a rollercoaster, you just gotta ride it.