More happenings in San Jose
Vertigo comes and goes, but I've decided to keep quiet. Everyone appears to enjoy making a horrible fuss, especially my most senior professor (don't get me started on her!). Mostly, I just keep to myself. I eat on my own, travel on my own. The scenery around here is amazing - both the architecture and the natural environment as well. There's such a wonderful mix of temperate and tropical plants. The weather is fantastic, nice and cool. I can just walk for hours and hours. That's the best part of this place; it doesn't get dark until like seven or eight at night! So different from home, where six is pitch dark sometimes. I've bought so many books, my professors are afraid I'll exceed the airline limit, but they're so cheap and plentiful, I can't help myself. My other indulgence is candy; so much candy that we don't get back in Thailand, I'm such a glutton. My money is fast evaporating, so I'm trying to pinch pennies as I have yet to check off items on my "to buy" list, except Goldfinger's stuff. Man, comic books are expensive! Never knew how much until I had to buy one. Going to go to a mall soon to get "Dean's" stuff; went to Borders bookstore and asked for a book I want to get him, but it hasn't come in yet. Anyhow, wasn't a waste of time, coz the clerk was so cute, completely my type - Chinese-looking, glasses and bonus, works in a bookstore! Hehehe, wish I could take him home with me. Ugh, gotta get off now, am in class. Learning a lot, about tablet PCs, iPods, different websites for use in the classroom. Very informative.
Final thought: I hope I can take all my books home!
Should've kept my mouth shut
Well, apparently, my motion sickness has gone crazy. Yesterday was my second day off the plane, yet, when I was standing around reading a magazine, it felt like I was on a listing boat. That feeling perpetuated throughout the day until I finally asked my professor if I could see a doctor. I was scared it might be an ear infection. I forgot you need health insurance in this country; it’s not like that back in Thailand. Anyhow, it turned into a big fuss and I wished I hadn’t said anything. Finally, I just took my professor’s advice to lay down and slept from six last evening to six this morning. Truth be told, it’s still not that great, but I’m not gonna tell anyone anything. You’d think my appendix ruptured or something, the way they’ve been going on and I feel so bad to take them away from their other duties, especially the professor who’s here at the university taking care of us. God, I wish I’d kept my mouth shut. Anyhow, I’m just gonna shut up today and take care of myself. I only have one session in the morning and after that, I’m gonna go off on my own and try to block out all their stupid voices.
Final thought: When in doubt, shut your mouth.
This land is your land, this land is my land
Am now at San Jose State University, at their library using their net access. Their library is amazing! I love libraries. I am a huge fan of anything book-related (man, did that sound nerdy?). However, it is seriously far from where I’m staying and I have yet to see where I can upload my photos, which kinda ticks me off. The weather is amazing, at 15 degrees Celsius. Everyone is cold except me! Hahaha, I always was a polar bear. Exhausting flight, layover in Manila for like two hours. Still, got here and was wired, so walked out in drizzle (yes, it was drizzling) with large group to 7-11 and bought a hot dog (beef, Americans don’t know how good they have it. We only have pork in Thailand). Didn’t see much of the university yet, coz we got here at night and it was raining and all. We’re having a class later at on (instructional technology), so we’ll see how it goes. It gives me such a thrill to be surrounded by people speaking my own language and signs that aren’t bilingual. It just makes me feel like I’m being understood, really, truly understood, although that may wear off soon. Anyhow, I’m going to make the best of my time here. Sorry if I don’t respond to comments, as I have only limited internet access time. But thanks for all your well wishes. Doesn’t look like I’ve forgotten anything yet, so fingers crossed.
Final thought: Don’t know if I’m quoting this right but: “Breathes there the man with soul so dead/ who never to himself hath said/This is my own, my native land.”
The joy of lists
I'm going off on a school trip for about two weeks and though I guess I'll have internet access, I don't know if I'll be inclined to post, so if you don't see a new entry for awhile, I have not abandoned my blog. I'll just be on hiatus. The best thing about trips is that I get the chance to make tons of lists. There's a list of things I have to remember to pack. There's a list of things people have asked me to pick up. And of course, there's a special list of things I must absolutely check before I leave home. I get such a rush from all my lists, it's right up there with getting an A on a difficult exam or eating a great bar of chocolate. Ah, lists. Imposing order onto chaos is such a thrill.
Final thought: To Do - write irreverent post (check).
Seeking: murderous, scarred, self-flagellating, albino monk
Saw The Da Vinci Code today (no big spoilers, read on). Watched it in the Siam Pavalai theater, the one that seems to be modeled after the place where they give out the Academy Awards. It was nice, quite grand really, but it didn't do anything to improve the movie. I thought the book was bad, but man, the movie was just about as awful. What saved it essentially were two things - two people to be exact. First, the actress who played Sophie Neveu, the female lead (can't remember her name off the top of my head); CNN said her accent defeated her, but I'm an English teacher and beg to differ. Her face has such a quality to it. She's not drop-dead gorgeous, but she has the classic features of an old-fashioned movie star and there's something about her that just compels the eye. I thought she looked fantastic in the movie and she was a perfect fit for the character, flawlessly cast. Second, and this is going to sound weird, but I fell completely in love with Paul Bettany's character, the monk Silas. It's crazy, I know, because what could possibly be captivating about a murderous, scarred, self-flagellating albino monk? Beats me. All I know is that when the character of Silas was on-screen, I stopped asking myself why I was wasting my time with this silly cinematic escapade. He completely mesmerized me. The way Bettany played him - all at once a fanatic driven by blind unquestioning devotion that spilled over into a fatal rage and a lost, troubled soul searching unrelentlessly for salvation - it was phenomenal. I was totally in love. When Silas looked up with such naked desperation in his eyes, I just wanted to reach out and hug him. That's quite a feat, considering his darker, almost animalisti,c actions. Not to mention that although his character is horrifically scarred and pigment-less, Paul Bettany was still, in my opinion, smokin' hot. I kept hoping he'd pop up more often as the movie wore on, but of course, it was mostly Tom Hanks and the lovely female lead. At least she was there or I might've walked out in protest. As you've no doubt deduced by now, I was not a fan of the book and I wasn't planning to be a fan of the movie - I'm not. The only reason I would ever waste another two or so hours with it is to see Silas again and that's it.
Final thought: So dark the con of this movie.
Random Numbered List
It's list time again. I've been in a list-making mood lately. There's just something so satisfying about writing things down and scratching them out once you've done whatever it is you have to do with them. Of course, not all lists are of that nature. Some of are just for the heck of it (but I have two lists currently going, which are serving many practical purposes, among which are to make sure I don't forget my toothbrush and to remind me that if it's not the two-disc set, don't buy the Munich DVD). Here are some random numerically-based observations about my present condition.
1. Current number of email addresses: six
2. Times I thought about yesterday's CK/ice cream encounter today: eight hundred (roughly)
3. Calls received from Goldfinger's cell (according to my cell phone): five
4. Chapters read for upcoming applied linguistics course: zero
5. Number of spam emails at my main email address: one
6. Browser windows currently open on my desktop: three
7. Minutes on MSN today: sixteen
8. People I truly cannot tolerate at grad school: one
9. Songs sung while helping my mom cook dinner: two (My Favorite Things and Edelweiss)
10. Minutes spent writing this post: eleven
Final thought: The number of people I'm currently in love with...still just the one. And I wish it were zero.
Ice cream break
I'm going to sound like a clueless moron, but I saw CK today. Was at the main library, checking out a book and there he was, among the reference volumes. He came out and talked to me and said he was just on his way out. I kinda smiled; all I could think of was putting my pinkies in those dimples. I was nuts. I almost missed him asking me if I wanted some ice cream. We ended up on a bench outside, eating ice cream cones he'd bought us from 7-11. Number one, I am a sucker for ice cream. Number two, if it had been a date, it would've been exactly the kind of date I'd always wanted. And number three, most importantly, we got to talk and he gave me (or it seemed like) his undivided attention. I like that - when someone really seems to listen to me when we talk. I don't know, lately I feel like I've been talking to myself most of the time and that's insane. I seem to be the source of way too much noise and most of it, nonsensical. It was just nice to see positive feedback. We didn't really talk about anything substantial; just our favorite flavors of ice cream, our favorite toppings, his thesis progress and how 7-11 manages to scout so many prime locations. I realized crazily that I barely knew this person, but I felt so comfortable with him. Overall, it was the sweetest twenty minutes I've ever spent with an almost-stranger. 
Final thought: Other people are mirrors for our personalities.
In Dreams
Do you dream in color? I do. Full color, high quality sound, sometimes, even tactile ability. I'm Thai, so I pay attention to my dreams (you never know when some winning lottery numbers might pop up). I've noticed that my most vivid dreams come to me when I'm feeling stressed and I don't really know it. A few nights ago, I had a horrible dream - a nightmare really, where I was trapped in an elevator that was plummeting out of control. Everyone was screaming and losing control, and in real life, believe me, I would've been yelling right along with them. But this was a dream, and all I did was close my eyes and think, "If this is how it ends, then this is how it ends." I ended up surviving. The elevator jerked to a stop, the doors opened and walked out, no less worse for wear. I'm constantly being told that I take things too seriously (my mother's constant complaint is that I over-react to things); I think my subconscious knows this and is trying to send me the message. My dreams have a way of twisting the concerns of my waking life and writing them into nocturnal dramas rich with inner meaning. The things they tell me aren't always pleasant and they're not always things I want to hear or admit. Perhaps that's why my mind has to construct these elaborate Technicolor dreams - in order for me to confront these fears. Lately I've been having some strange dreams, vivid ones with bright lights and loud sounds and the voices and faces of people I know. I'm not sure yet what they mean, but from the way they turn my stomach, I'm thinking their message is something less than nice. There are truths I'm grappling with in my life, things I would rather avoid, things just below the surface that I'm sure are about to boil over at any moment. My dreams appear to portend this. I don't want to face any of this, but I suppose I will have to, sooner or later. Even though I may not be consciously aware, somewhere inside me, there is awareness.
Final thought: I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough. M.C. Escher
Fantasy and Reality
My latest television craze is Supernatural. It revolves around two ghost-hunting brothers whose mother was killed by an unknown preternatural entity, and whose father therefore was driven to find said entity and in the process, trained his sons to kick non-corporeal booty. I watched the first episode and was hooked within the first ten minutes. The second episode I watched revealed to me why - half the producers were from The X-Files! I am a total geek when it comes to The X-Files. I used to watch it religiously. Up until last year, I could recite every single episode title from seasons one through nine, but all sorts of useless English grammar and linguistics vied for space in my puny brain and thus, the titles had to be sacrificed. However, that does not mean I have lost all knowledge of my beloved conspiracy-busting FBI agents. I still know that Scully's middle name is Katherine, that Mulder's birthday is October thirteenth and that Mulder usually did the driving because he was scared Scully's little feet couldn't reach the pedals. You know, a lot of people think television will rot your brain, but I beg to differ. A good, say, twenty to thirty percent of my vocabulary originated from something I saw on TV. I even wrote an article for the MUIC Tabloid, back during my undergrad days, about how television-viewing can be a good supplement to language learning. It's all about moderation and selectivity, two words that definitely apply to many aspects of life. Anyhow, I'm getting off my soapbox to plug Supernatural a bit more. I like what I've seen so far. It has all the elements that I look for in a show - creepy atmosphere (courtesy of every genre drama location scout's favorite city, Vancouver), cheesy stereotypes that just happen to work (Kickass, snarky, maniacally pledged-to-the-cause character? Check. Kickass, reluctant, pulled-in-by-major-traged y character? Check. People way too attractive to be related/working together in real life? Check and double check) and of course, stuff you'd never encounter in real life. Listen, everyday, I'm faced with dodging Bangkok traffic and moody commuters, I study a subject I really have no idea about, and to my friends, I'm either a) a jinx, b) a bore, c) a safety hazard or d) all of the above; when I come home and turn on the idiot box, I don't want to see reality. I get a huge daily dose of it jammed straight into my vein. Take me out of my life, please. Instead of fighting people to get on the BTS, I want to see two cute guys fighting off a wendigo. Instead of trying to figure what the heck a morpheme is, let me watch a moronic minor character get huffy and storm off to be eaten by the monster of the week. Instead of trying to figure out why my friend's bowling score goes up exponentially when I'm not around, let me concentrate on yet another smalltown sheriff who doesn't believe the out-of-town ghostbusters. Fantasy is good for the soul. It helps us deal with the all too real process of living.
Final thought: "All I know is television does not make a previously sane man go out and kill five people, thinking they're all the same guy. Not even 'Must-See TV' could do that to you." Mulder, The X-Files
Shakespeare can have his way with me
I think as many people are put off by Shakespeare as there are those who are enthralled by him. This is a terrible shame, because William Shakespeare never goes out of fashion. Connie Willis (my favorite science fiction writer) is a true blue Willie Shakes groupie; "He wrote about Human Issues - fear and ambition and guilt and regret and love - the issues that trouble and delight all of us", she says, and I couldn't agree more. The only thing dated about Shakespeare is the language; the sentiments are no different from what you'd see dealt with on modern televsion shows and movies or in modern novels. But I think because the Shakespearean play is often the focus of boring literature classes or similar, they develop something of an association with dull. That's because Shakespeare wrote dozens of plays, and they're all different and they all appeal to different tastes - there's no "one size fits all" play, so the chances of every student being captivated by whichever one (or two) plays they're exposed to is statistically low. My favorite Shakepearean play is The Taming of the Shrew. It's not a particularly politically correct choice, but I like it nonetheless. It has the wittiest dialogue and the most memorable characters of any of the plays, in my opinion. In high school, everyone was swooning over Romeo and Juliet, but I ask you, what's so fascinating about two silly teenagers going through a jag of rebellion, especially when one of them won't be bothered to check for a pulse? Can you imagine Juliet saying, "I'll see thee hanged on Sunday first"? That's what Katharina, the "shrew" of the title says to Petruchio, the male lead. And anyone who can make "she is my goods, my chattel, my house" into a funny and romantic line deserves some praise. The play is the predecessor to the romantic comedy, only it's sharper and cleverer and funnier than most of the romantic comedies on the market today. I love it and every time I read it, I get something new - I fall in love with Kate and Petruchio all over again. Petruchio especially - he's the most unsung of Shakespeare's men, lost in the shuffle with whiny Hamlet, whipped Macbeth, wheedling Romeo. Everything he says is highly tongue-in-cheek and I love that. If I met a guy half that witty with words, I'd think I were hallucinating. My best friend has always told me I'm going to pay dearly for being blinded by poetry. I'm sure she's right. If William Shakespeare were alive today, I'd have a huge crush on him.
Final thought: "Where did you study all this goodly speech?" Katharina, The Taming of the Shrew
Make 'em run for the hills
Have come to the conclusion that the fortune teller in Chiang Mai was correct; I am going to live the rest of my life single. Spinster, that's the word for it. I'm going to be a spinster. Shouldn't be too hard for me - I have three spinster aunts to act as my role models. There is something within me, something fundamental to my being, that makes guys run for the hills. I know I'm not easy to get along with. Heck, I bet it was easier to get along with Hitler than it is to get along with me sometimes. But isn't that slightly true of everyone? No one can be sushine and roses all of the time; I just happen to not be sunshine and roses most of the time. But I must be some kind of awful to be able to run people off in such record time. Prime example: CK. I didn't want to whine, I didn't want to fuss like some clueless teenage girl, but what the hey? He has simply disappeared. This morning, I deleted his number from my cell phone, because I didn't want it there as a constant reminder of my ability to spook even the nicest of guys. It's not like I thought it was going anywhere - in all likelihood, it wasn't. It was just nice to meet someone who I could talk to so easily, who I felt was on the same wavelength as me. It helped a lot that we were studying in the same program too, it helped open up a whole host of conversation topics. I'd make a joke about, oh, Suggestopedia or complementary distribution of phonemes or something, and he'd get it. I felt like we really connected. He listened to me and I loved that. Yet, it didn't last - whatever I did, I did it so well, I scared him off in less than a month. It was a shame too, coz he was exactly my type - intelligent, funny and an adorable pair of dimples you could put your pinkies in. Sigh. It doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired of guys and all their inadequacies. Who needs love? I'm good where I am. Doesn't mean I'm not open to it or anything, but knowing that eventually, I'll make them run for the hills...kinda wears a girl's confidence down. I've yet to meet anyone who can stand my brand of personality. So, I'll stay where I am. It's not such a bad place, Singlesville.
Final thought: Being single isn't so bad - I don't have to share anything!
An alternative to sulking
I'm a sulker. I think I got it from my mom; she's a sulker, too, but fortunately, my dad knows how to deal with it. The thing about being a sulker is that it takes a certain amount of perverse self-centeredness. How else can you justify getting upset over even the smallest self-perceived infractions? The nutty thing is, I don't enjoy sulking - okay, wait, that's a bit of lie, I enjoy sulking, I just don't enjoy it as much as say, throwing things or screaming. The best thing about sulking is that it's not terribly dramatic, so you can do it and not cause much of a public fuss. I was never one of those kids you see sometimes, throwing tantrums in the cereal aisle, getting down on the floor and kicking and screaming themselves blue in the face because they didn't get the sugar-coated flakes of their choice. When I didn't get my way, I'd stick out my lower lip and pout. Sadly, it's a behavior that has followed me into adulthood. Sulking's risky, though. You're never quite sure what reaction you'll get. I'm lucky in that in my group of friends, sulking is dealt with in one of two ways - a) it's ignored or b) it's faced head-on. But there are risks, nevertheless. For instance, I once sulked over some silly incident (the details of which are fuzzy to me) with Miko and June back at MUIC. I remember we were headed to our nutrition class, June was driving, and I was so upset, I got out of the car and stormed back into the university. I imagined that either one of two events would ensue, that a) one or both of them would come after me and ask me to get in the car or, b) possibly, if that didn't happen, I'd go back in a few minutes, cursory apologies would be offered up and we'd all head off to class. All right, so after about five minutes, I realized the former was not going to happen, so I traipsed back...and to my horror and disbelief, they'd left! I ended up having to hotfoot it over to class by my lonesome (which was like a few buildings away) and was about ten minutes late. Boy, was I upset. Another incident, much more recent and briefly discussed in another post, involved Goldfinger. He said something which upset me, I started walking away, pouting, and can you believe it, he ditched me in the middle of Siam Paragon (also known as Yuppie Hell). Left me all alone! I was so peeved, all I did was pout for another ten minutes. And don't imagine for one second that I'm ever going to forget it. That's the other crazy thing about sulkers - we can hold onto transgessions like nobody's business. It's nothing serious; just fodder for when I feel like some light ribbing. Now you may be wondering what all this sulking gets me? Well, nothing much, aside from diverting me from my more violent behaviors. If I didn't sulk, I would be the adult version of a temper tantrum throwing kid. Or worse. I'm also petulant by nature, and sulking is just a natural extension of that. Only a few people have seen the true extent of my full-blown anger, and I'd like to keep it that way. Those who have witnessed my rage - my pure rage, undiluted - are no longer people I count as my friends, and there's a reason for that. I may get annoyed with my friends, I might get peeved - but I never, ever get full-out, Hulk-style angry with them. That sort of anger I save for people I'm ready to cut out of my life. So, I may be unreasonable sometimes, sulking over small things, but everyone's got their little somethings, right? That sounds like a bit of an excuse, and I guess it is. I admit it's not a very great habit, and I'm trying to break it (though I do enjoy it a bit too much), so if anyone has an alternative to sulking, I'm all ears.
Final thought: You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
25 Insights into My Love Perspective
Found this on the new blog of a much missed member of our tBlog community and I really liked it. So, I decided to borrow it and use it for my own post, hope she doesn't mind. I think it summarizes quite well where I'm at, love-wise, at this point in my life.
1. Single, crushin', interested, or in a relationship?
Single...and that's all I'll say.
2. Are you happy with where you are?
Sure, I'm quite content, despite being single, broke, dumb and pathetic.
3. When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
If I ever meet this hypothethical "right" person, I imagine I will.
4. Have you ever had your heart broken?
God, yes. Although broken is not the right word - shattered, destroyed, crushed, annihilated would be more accurate.
5. Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is acceptable?
No. Why the heck would they call it cheating? It's not a good thing!
6. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
Depends, really. Is he gonna get down on his knees and beg?
7. Have you talked about marriage with another person?
Talked about it? You mean like, was I seriously considering marrying someone and we discussed it? No.
8. Do you want children?
Yes, definitely. Oh man, that sounds a little crazy. Yes, I want kids, somewhere along the line, not right away.
9. How many?
I'd like a few and I like even numbers - so two or four, and of course, I want both genders.
10. Would you consider adoption?
Yes. I have plenty of love.
11. If somebody liked you right now, what do you think a cool way to let you know would be?
If I detailed it, it wouldn't be very cool, would it? Ask my best friend.
12. Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
Honestly, don't know how.
13. Be honest, do you play the game?
Er, what game would that be? I'm really bad at chess....
14. Do you believe love at first sight exists?
Yes, like a lightning strike.
15. Are you romantic?
Unfortunately, yes.
16. Do you believe that you can change someone?
I'd like to think I could, but I bet I couldn't. Maybe I could if they really wanted to be changed; I could be their catalyst.
17. If you could get married anywhere, money not an object, where would it be?
It wouldn't matter to me. Love does not need a location.
18. Sex buddies - good or bad?
Have no idea, but you know what, if people are happy in the arrangement, who am I to judge?
19. Do you easily give in when you are fighting?
Absolutely not!
20. Do you have feelings for someone right now, whether they know it or not? If so who?
Even if I did - and I'm not saying I do - why the hell would I tell who it was?
21. Have you ever wished you could've had someone that you knew you could never have?
Yes. And let's leave it at that.
22. Have you broken a heart?
No, but sometimes I wish I could've.
23. What will happen if you come and find another person in bed with your partner?
I would probably scream. That would be followed by the throwing of many random objects, more screaming, clawing, the yelling of many profanities, and quite possibly, the smashing of random objects over both their heads. And screaming. Did I mention screaming?
24. Would you ever fight somebody over your significant other?
No, why should I?
25. What would you say about your last ex?
I have no ex. But if I did, logic dictates that what I would say couldn't be that great since we broke up after all.
Final thought: I'm sick of love, glad to have gotten all that out of my system.
Gender Identity
There are days I'm happy to be a woman...and then there are other days, when I wish I'd been born with some different equipment. Then there are in-between days when I can cast an objective eye over the whole gender issue and think, "It doesn't matter what sex I am. It matters who I am." Today is one of those days. Now, I hate sweeping generalizations, probably because I'm always the one bucking the trend. Notice how long it took me to get MSN, when a new survey has found that something like five-hundred million people have been using it forever. Just got it like seventy-two hours ago, after much persuasion, and the selling point for me was that my friends were forthrightly ignoring my emails. All these things people love so much - The Da Vinci Code, Harry Potter, reality TV - can't stand them. Can't stand them because they intrinsically suck (no offense intended to anyone who likes the above-mentioned items), but partly, I admit, because everyone else likes them. I just hate following the crowd. That's not to say I'm an outright rebel - just that if something is overly popular, it loses some of its appeal to me. That said, I enjoy many things that are totally mainstream - my music tastes, I've been informed by my mosh-pit inhabiting underground emo-rock drummer younger brother, is appallingly commercial. "Mandy Moore? You're joking, right?" he asks me, walking past my computer and hearing I Wanna Be With You blasting from the speakers. I'm a mass of contradictions. All right, that long interlude was just to say: modern gender roles are such that what it means to be "male" or "female" is completely up in the air. Having said that, however, there still seem to be some stereotypes regarding the sexes that refuse to die. It's these stubborn convictions that make me want to say "I am woman, hear me roar" on some days, and wish there was a "man in the mirror" on others.
I enjoy being a girl...
1) ...coz I don't ever have to "be a man" and all that implies.
2) ...coz society allows me to cry.
3) ...coz if I get bored of pants, I can wear skirts.
4) ...coz if I get bored of skirts, I can wear pants.
5) ...coz with the proper technique, a woman's pleasure can last for hours.
6) ...coz I can get away with acting helpless.
7) ...coz statistically, I'm gonna live longer.
8) ...coz I can talk openly about my feelings.
9) ...coz I can be openly affectionate.
10) ...coz even though I'm not pretty, I'm still able to talk my way out of lots of situations by acting naive.
...but sometimes I wish I were one of the boys...
1) ...coz I wouldn't have to "be a lady" and all that implies.
2) ...coz I could make the first move.
3) ...coz people wouldn't assume I was helpless.
4) ...coz even if I swore like a truck driver, no one would say, "That's unladylike."
5) ...coz people always assume women's anger is a product of PMS, thus, devaluing our rage.
6) ...coz I wouldn't have to invest my emotions in a relationship if I didn't want to.
7) ...coz I wouldn't have to talk everything to death.
8) ...coz I wouldn't do heartbreak.
9) ...coz statistically speaking, I'd be less likely to be robbed or killed in dark alleys.
10) ...coz I wouldn't have a period!
Final thought: We're more alike than we are different, opposite banks of the same river of life.
Weak, weak, weak
I'm weak. Finally caved in and got MSN Messenger like the rest of the civilized world. After much peer pressure, I just took the plunge. And it was well worth it. Scarcely forty-eight hours later and I met my best friend online. I was ecstatic. We caught up in great detail, which was fantastic. It was so nice to talk to her, even if it was typing in actuality. All the little silly things, the trivial bits - they were so nice to unload onto a caring listener. It's not like I don't talk to my family, but with them, it's different. Things you tell a mom or a dad or a younger brother are different than what you tell a best friend. There are bits you edit, bits you keep to yourself, bits you wanna share with only a trusted friend. Outlets are good. Otherwise, you feel a little restrained. It was nice, so I thank Kwan for finally convincing me (subtly coercing is more correct), as well as all my other friends who popped in to say hi. I missed them all so much; it's nice to hear from them again.
Final thought: The world is a smaller place, but your heart needs to get bigger.
Reflections on Gone with the Wind
They're showing Gone with the Wind. I love that movie. If you haven't watched it, I urge you to. Strongly. It's just such a classic of cinema. Vivian Leigh has such a quality to her face - not so much beauty as this ability to be both innocent and cunning at the same time. The sets are amazing. The dresses are amazing; how did women walk in those? Worse yet, how did they tinkle? The thing I like best about the movie is that Scarlett O'Hara is such a witch with a B. It'd hard to remember that she's the heroine of the piece when it seems she's scheming, manipulating and hurting people left and right. There's almost nothing redeemable about her behavior. Yet, the thing is, she's just a woman thwarted by love. Fickle as hell, she manages to stay faithful to Ashley Wilkes through - geez, practically everything, including his marriage, her marriage(s), the burning of Atlanta and carpetbaggers. That takes some grit, especially from a woman used to only flouncing around in a pretty dress. There's something about love that really brings out the backbone in people - I contend that it brings out both the best and worst sides of you. Look at Scarlett - it was her love for Ashley and her plantation Tara that sustained her throughout the movie. I think being in love brings out the best and worst in me. The best would be me at my happiest, my most nurturing, my most selfless. The worst would be...well, the normal me raised by a factor of ten. I'm cruel, petulant, bossy, angry, foul-mouthed, delusional and always just a few cents shy of a dollar. See why I hate being in love? If I were Scarlett, I would've lost Tara, Rhett and my mind, all within the space of twenty minutes. That's what love does to me. All right, off to see Rhett and Scarlett fight and fall in love.
Final thought: My favorite line? Or course, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
Lack of strategy
Played Jeopardy online today for like three hours. Suck at it. Then played some Wheel of Fortune. Also sucked at it so went back to Jeopardy, where I proceeded to suck some more. The problem with me and games is I have no strategy. My younger brother taught me chess (yes, I'm that much of a loser, my baby brother had to teach me how to play chess) and I was awful at it. I moved my pieces erratically - not that I could remember the legal moves anyhow - and was usually checkmated in like ten moves. I have yet to win at Monopoly, Candyland or Battleship, simply because I refuse to plan ahead. The only time I've won at Tic Tac Toe was when my opponent was half-asleep. The funny thing is, for almost every other aspect of my life, I have a strategy. I have strategies that would make General Patton cry. In high school, I juggled six classes and three afterschool tutorial jobs, plus some extracurriculars. I can finish a four-hundred page novel in less than a day. When I put my mind to it, my strategies tend to kick ass, if I do say so myself. I abandon them all when it comes to games though. My only strategy there is to not laugh too hard that my friends quit and leave in disgust (has happened, as they will attest). I don't know. I've mentioned before that I suck at games and sports. The latter because, well, I'm a big fat cow with two left feet and the coordination of a drunk walrus (sorry for the mixed metaphors). But the former, I'm thinking it's a combination of really crummy luck and just no planning on my part. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to lose four thousand dollars on online Jeopardy.
Final thought: It's not how you win or lose, it's how you play the game. (And I play badly and lose! 
)
James Bond: Check your reality at the door
Rewatched The World is Not Enough today on television. What an inane piece of fluff. I love James Bond. I love the complete and utter suspension of disbelief in each and everyone of his movies. Watching James Bond, you can believe that a man can sleep his way through three decades without once hitting the mother load or catching an incurable (or even mildly unpleasant) venereal disease. You can believe that no matter how farfetched a weapon sounds, you'll find at least one (maybe even two or three) uses for it in the course of a mission. Cars are never just modes of transportation - oh no, what's the use of a car unless it comes complete with self-targeting torpedo launchers, remote control operation and six beverage cup holders? In the James Bond world, there are no ugly women; even when they're murdering, conniving villains, they're always smoking hot. That's the great thing about fluff - the real world is only a springboard for ideas. I check my reality at the door when I watch a Bond film and I like that just fine. And if you're wondering, no, I will not be watching the new Bond movie. Call me a purist, but Bond cannot be blonde. Even I can't suspend that much disbelief.
Final thought: There's no point in living, if you can't feel alive. Elektra King, The World is Not Enough
Stalling on my wish
I've yet to complete my thousand paper cranes. How many have I folded? Nine-hundred and ninety-nine. The reason why I've put off folding that last crane is because I don't really have a solid wish in mind. The only thing I really want is something that's really not good for me. There's a song that mentions something about how the things you really enjoy are often not good for you, don't remember the particular song, but the guilty pleasures it cites are chocolate cake and cigarettes. Neither are things I particularly covet (don't really have a sweet tooth and don't smoke). What I want is to turn back time and stop myself from ever falling in love. I'd go back, find that girl and slap her. "Forget it," I'd tell her. "It won't work out." If that version of me is stubborn, I'll punch her in the stomach. Then, when she's writhing around on the ground, I'll kick her repeatedly and stamp on her. I won't stop until she starts bleeding. I might also break a vase over her head. "That's how you're going to feel. Still wanna be stubborn?" I'll ask. I think she'd be convinced. That's my wish and unless someone invents a time machine, it's not going to happen.
Final thought: I'm being very careful what I wish for.
Words of the Day
I don't really have anything to blog about per se, so I'll just let Dictionary.com's "Word of the Day" entries inspire me. I used to subscribe to "Word of the Day" email, until I got too busy to keep up with the backlog (they really do come every single day). Now I pick up new words the old-fashioned way - from other kids in the schoolyard. Hahaha, just joking, mostly from stuff I read and of course, Reader's Digest Word Power, when I have a chance to read it. So, here are my reactions to a few of the site's words.
Sporadic: occuring singly, or occasionally, or in scattered instances.
This certainly describes a lot of things in my love life - good ideas, good choices, good sense, common sense. All occur only sporadically when I deal with love. What really frustrates me is that I usually know the right course of action, yet I still insist on doing the exact opposite. Someone asked me why I don't buckle down and get my driver's license. I will, one day, but you know, I enjoy being driven around. It's one of the rare instances in my life (a sporadic occurrence, if you will) where I can depend wholly on someone else. Of course, it doesn't mean I just get into random cars; I won't get into a car whose driver I don't trust. The people I let drive me are the people I trust. See, that's good sense; why can't I apply that to love?
Bonhomie: pleasant and easy manner.
I haven't got bonhomie. I'm not terribly pleasant and take it from the people who know me, my manner is anything but easy. I'm a sulker, I'm petulant, I'm easily angered, I'm cruel. I'm no fun at parties because I suck at small talk. Plus, I hate parties. I have a bad habit of overusing annoying phrases - for awhile it was "That's so contrived". Lately I realize that I add super before every adjective, as in, "It's super-cute" or "He's super-dumb" or whatnot. Makes me sound like a retarded teenaged girl with a limited descriptive vocabulary. And, I can't ever let anything go. Trespasses committed against me from the first grade I still remember with frightening accuracy, and I'll say right off the bat that if I ever crossed paths with the offenders again and I had a chance to hurt them, I would. If you're familiar with him, I'm like Constantin Demiris in Sidney Sheldon's The Other Side of Midnight. I never forget - and more importantly, forgive - a fault. Bonhomie? Non-existent in my personality.
Hobbledehoy: an awkward, gawky young fellow.
Hahaha, I know one such person. The funny thing, it's only an image. Underneath, he's as sharp-tongued as they come, and when he wants to be, he can be so articulate, you'd be shocked. For me, he epitomizes that old saying, "Don't judge a book by its cover." I am, of course, talking about Goldfinger. The most clever thing about Goldfinger is that he encourages his image as hobbledehoy. Hey, who's more deadly? The murderer who jumps in your face with a gun or the sniper who puts a bullet through your heart a street away? Yup, that's Goldfinger. You never even see him coming. I admire that about him, having the restraint to bite back his tongue, mulling it over and coming up with insults that put all of mine to shame. I wish I could be more like him, but unfortunately, I'm an open book. Everything you'd ever need to know about me, you could read off my face - or this blog.
Defenestrate: to throw out of a window.
My only reaction to this word is - I can't believe I've been living my life in so much ignorance that I've actually had to say "throw out a window" when I could've gotten the work done with only one word!
Implacable: incapable of being pacified.
I don't think I'm terribly implacable. There are certain lines that I draw, that if someone crosses, well, then I'm implacable, but for the most part, I'm open to apologies, so long as they're sincere. The thing about me is, if I get angry with someone, I want them to stay with me. I may walk away, but they should walk after me. I don't care how loud I get, how furious, what things I throw or say. The key is, they don't leave me. The moment they leave me (and you'd be surprised how many people think everyone wants time off to "cool down"), my anger rises exponentially. If it reaches that point of no return, that's pretty much it. And then I'm implacable.
Final thought: The limits of my language are the limits of my world. Ludwig Wittgenstein
Make 'em laugh, make 'em cry
Talked to the new students of my program today at their orientation. The professors set it up like a panel - it was me, a Ph.D. candidate in my year and another woman who'd already graduated. One professor asked us questions and we responded to them and apparently, this was to stop people from quitting. Hahaha. I don't know if I accomplished that or not. I was going to prepare some notes and things, but I got home late last night and was watching TV with my mom and just forgot, so I winged it. Basically what that means is, I made up a bunch of metaphors (all involving food, oddly) and just elaborated on them, without actually saying anything of substance. I got a few laughs, so it couldn't have been that bad, right? I've read that it's harder to make people laugh than it is to cry. I don't know about that - I've made people laugh and cry about an equal number of times. So, I think it depends on how much effort you're willing to invest. I think only those you love can make you do both. I've never done both - shed tears and laughed - for people I don't love. It's either one or the other, but not both, not unless I love them. In fact, I think the people you love make you cry more than anything - of course, a lot of times, they're tears of joy. That's always a nice feeling.
Final thought: We measure our lives in laughter and tears.
Coming off an anger run
Hahaha. My horoscope is usually totally off the mark, but today's is pretty close to reality: "Staying angry is a waste of your time and energy. Learn to forgive and forget. Once you do, you'll have so much more space in your life for love and enjoyment. Get out there and laugh yourself silly. Now." Yes, I was angry. Yes, I ranted about it on this blog. Yes, I was being passive-aggressive. It's more or less resolved now, although the offender is still on probation. One more offense, and that's it. Anyhow, I haven't talked about CK lately, and that's mostly because I don't want to seem over-eager, but also, after his intial invitation, there was no follow-up and I've been thrown for a loop. Did I hallucinate the whole thing? Well, it was nice while it lasted. At any rate, I went to watch Mission Impossible III today - no spoilers, so keep reading. Personally, I thought it was a solid grade C, leaning towards C-. Didn't like it too much. Lots of explosions, but none were really spectacular ones, ones where I would go, "Wow, look at all the pretty colors", none like that. It was decent action pic, a good bit of diversion, but that was just about it. We all need a bit of diversion once in a while, especially when like me, you're coming off an anger run...
Final thought: Why is it that no one ever listens to me when I tell them that I don't want to be left alone when I'm angry?
A lesson from spam
What is up with spam? I try so hard to deter spam - I never sign up for newsletters, I don't give out my email randomly, I set my spam filter so high, normal mail barely gets through. And yet? My junk mail folder is constantly filled with mails from people I've never heard of, with subject lines like "Xerox" or "Elephant Wash" or some such drivel. Are they viruses? If they were viruses, you'd think the people spreading them would be more clever (if they were actual viruses, evolution would've booted these morons out of the genetic pool). Who on Earth is gonna open a mail entitled "Kitty Hawk"? I just think it's funny that something I find so annoying I didn't even know existed until like five years ago. Really puts a perspective on life and all the little details in it. I bet five years down the line, I'm gonna be annoyed by something that's only a glimmer in someone's eye right now.
Final thought: Don't sweat the small stuff. And it's all small stuff. (I wish I could take this advice.)
Can you keep a secret?
There's this music video for a song, I think it's called Dirty Little Secret or something of that sort. The song itself, to me, is pretty unmemorable, but the music video was really clever - it's all these people holding cards and signs confessing silly things like, "I leave the toilet seat up" or "I steal sugar from restaurants", trivial stuff like that. In that spirit, I now present my top ten silliest confessions, stuff that I'm not overly proud of, but hopefully, doesn't harm anyone else or the environment.
Top Ten Dirty Little Secrets
1. I think I've already used this topic for another list, so here's my first confession - I sometimes recycle blog ideas.
2. Actually read my horoscope almost everyday.
3. Sometimes, at the bowling alley, I'll just take someone's ball if they're not around and it's the weight I want.
4. No matter how many times I hear a song, I still have to read the lyrics to be able to remember them.
5. I stepped on an earring once as a child (by accident!).
6. I love to hear gossip.
7. Like to eat ice cream straight from the carton.
8. Watch too much TV.
9. When I feel bored, I make sure no one's looking and I do a little shimmy.
10. If I'm angry at an eating establishment, I throw wadded-up tissues under the table (it's only happened once or twice).
Final thought: Nobody's perfect. 